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Happy Holidays

Having issues tonight.Sleep issues.And it seems to be getting worse every year,especially around this time.The holidays suck.I remember when I was younger,I would get up in the early a.m.and examine my presents before waking the folks up.The smell of the tree would always make me look forward to Christmas morning.And it was always so busy.We would get up and not be able to touch the gifts before the coffee was made,and then we would haveto take turns and of course pose for the occasional picture.Then we would have kringle while we were getting ready for church,after church came the grandmas house,then the other grandmas,and after it was all done,I remember waking up the day after wishing that it never had to end.Now I wish that it would never start.I want to switch my holidays around.Have my Easter on Thanksgiving and such.Most people I have told this to,told me that I am stupid for wanting things like that.They tell me about what certain holidays mean,I tell them that I dont need a fricken date on the calender to remind me what they mean.I dont pratice my religon anymore.I grew up catholic and was raised as one,and it may sound mean...but its a all just a date on the calender to me,and why the hell do I haveto be like everyone else and celebrate when they do?I hate Christmas.Its not about family anymore,its not about love,its not about the smell of pine anymore or waking up early.Its all about getting hyped up and spending money,its all just another day.If I was childless,I would be one of those people that would look for a "dennys"open,and sit there and drink coffee as long as I could.Now dont get me wrong,I am grateful that I am not childless and that I haveto some what act like I enjoy the holidays,not for me but for my kid.Oh and I try to get out of bed before he comes home from his dads,and I get all excitied for him,and I make him pose for certain pictures,and we still even have the kringle,but I wish I could enjoy it more.I wish I could enjoy any holiday like I useto.And this year?This year I have someone to share the eve with,
compared to the last 2 where I stumbled in from the bar and cried at my tree,hugged my dogs and even talked to my tree and told it how ugly it was.I dont know how things will be this year though.I dont want to lose it in front of the Vernage.Yet I dont want to not lose it in front of him.And maybe I wont need to,maybe I will.I dont know.I dont want to bury any memories,but I dont want certain ones on certain days anymore.I want to enjoy things so much more.And every fricken year,holidays remind me.They remind me of the hurt.Of the loneliness,of the pain,the sadness,and yea,I might have someone,but its not the same.Nothing ever is the same but the sleepless and restless nights.And you know what?You know what I would like for Christmas?Some damn valuims.

11:44 p.m. - 2005-12-05

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