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I have hoilday spirit

After those pretty things you say

Yup...the boyfriend is doing cocaine tonight.Funny how I know things.Or maybe how I think of things.Maybe just how I think I know.He spent the day with the child.That was cool.He came into work and had a couple beers and told me to call him so he could come up to work and have some beers with me or come over or whatever.So I call him.He dosent pick up.No big deal.He will have some sort of an excuse tomorrow and then maybe I wont be in the fucking mood.I am not angry.I dont know what I am anymore.It seems like a waste of feeling to get angry or disappointed Alot of things seems like a waste of feeling these days.I can feel a certain way,but it wont matter,so why even bother?I dont mind our time apart...I really dont,but when you tell me one thing and do another,thats a different story,and sometimes the story gets old,and its getting a bit old right now.Its kindof like all of my stupid books.At first when I read a new one...I love it,and then i read it again,maybe a couple months later,and I still like it,cause its new,then i run out of books to read,so once again I read the same one,and its really not that good anymore.And by the end?By the end,I dont even care if I miss a page,or even a whole chapter,cause i already knows what happens so what the hell is the point?

Screaming sin

Most people say they hate the holidays,
they hate it because of how everyone is.I hate it because I hate it all.I hate the fucking stupid music and the waste of money,the way people wear santa hats and act like its a big freaking deal.Tiff bought me a gift,Erin bought me a gift.I got these people nothing.I thought about it,getting Tiff some boones farm,getting Erin whatever looks cool cause he will drink whatever,but I didnt want to waste the money because I didnt want them to think that they had to buy me something.I just wanted to be nice without making them feel like shit,but they both reversed that feeling on me.So now tomorrow either before or after work...I haveto get these people something and I dont mind it,actually I am flattered that they thought about me,but I would perfer for them to just think about me other then showing me that they did.A card would be cool.A card would mean more to me then a gift,yet not all people think like me.And I really do think its cool that I have FRIENDS this year.I think its the biggest gift ever,yet how do I show them that without buying something
and wrapping it all up?

11:14 p.m. - 2005-12-23

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