Photobucket I have said to much

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Feelings matter

*Love is all I have*

I am sure most of us know who candoor is,if not....go take a look.This person has had some amazing thoughts,beautiful words.Some of his entries have made me think,cry,laugh and even wonder why he feels a certain way.His last entry was about loving your children.Noticing them,making sure that they know that you love them and what not.And because of his entry,I am writing this one.Dedicated to my child I guess.I love my child with my heart and soul,with everything I have,and even with the things I may not have,without him...who knows where I would be.Would I be better off?Whos to say I am not better off right now?I grew up fast with him.Having him at 17 made me be more responsiable,moving out at 17 made me notice how hard things actually can be.My son has been through alot.Alot of things that I am not proud of putting him through I guess.Living with his dad for all those years,we could not communicate as a family.But me and the boy did.Always.When I would talk with his dad through out the course of the day to find out what kind of mood he was in,I knew most of the time to get my child into the "lets not talk to dad"mode.Was it right?Yes.It sure was.It saved me from getting hit,it saved Ty from being yelled at.I look back and the only thing I regret is the fact that I stayed with his dad for so long and let my child see what anger does,what drinking does.But even though i regret it,I cant take it back,so as my child got older and grew,I let him talk about the "old"days,I let him tell me that he would never do those things to his girlfriends,that he would be a good dad if he ever became one.All of this came without any help from me.I never talked shit to Ty about his dad.I guess I didnt haveto.I am told by my family what a good job I did with my child.And it means alot to me.I did it all on my own,and I did what I thought was right.Growing up in my house as a child,secrets were best kept as just that,dropping me off at counslers was a waqy of ignoring me.A way of making me shut my parents out.A way of shutting everyone else out as well.I make sure that my son and I talk everyday that he is with me.About school,about his friends,about whats wrong,about whats right.I am open and honest with him.Some think I am much to open with him....example:

I pick him up from school one day and as we are driving home our conversation starts:

Ty:Mom,how did your doctors appointment go?

Me:Well it went as good as it could

Ty:What did they do?Did they take blood or give you any shots?

Me:No honey,instead I spread my legs and they examined my crotch

Ty:oh....nevermind

Me:Well,you asked,if you want to know more,I can tell you

Ty:No its okay,I REALLY dont want to know.

Maybe I should hide certain things from him,yet when he asks,I answer.I dont lie to him,it wouldnt be right.I wouldnt want him to lie to me.Most of my friends think that he is an awesome kid and they are always willing to have him along if they call me up and want to hang out.Sometimes,I do wish that he would sleep over at a friends house,instead of his friends sleeping here,but you know,I do watch him.When he talks I watch him,when he eats,I watch him,when he does his homework,I watch him.I watch him.I watch his expressions,I watch everything.Because life is to short and I want to remember everything that he does.Everything that he says.And yes,I drink,yes I smoke pot,and when Kyle died,I popped alot of pills.But I never ever made it into my life.My life does not revolve around my bad habits.My bad habits tend to come out when I dont have Ty.Does it make it right?No...smoking pot,drinking,none of it is right.I understand that.But I make sure my child is taken care of,he always has food and clothing and material things,but he has the most love I could ever give him.And although I have not came out and told him that I smoke pot,I have told him that my choice of drug would be just that.Would I be like Danyels mom and have my 11 year old drink a beer with me?Or smoke it up with me?Never.Would I have my 20 year old doing the same?Never.I am a mother.I am here to teach my child.I call myself a drunk,but am I really?Maybe.Define drunk and you might come up with me.But my kid dosent see it that way.And I know this,we talk.Am I always drunk around him?Stoned?No.Once in a great while,he surprises me and comes home early,or he wakes up,but I am not loaded.I will never let my bad habits get in the way of what I have with my son.I will not allow it,he is more important to me then beer,cocktails,boones farm or some stupid green plant.He is what keeps me going.And there has been times when I wished I could end it all,but you know what?It will never be that bad where i will do anything to harm myself ever again.I did it once.Thank god he was young enough not to remember.And thank god that he was the one to remind me that there is something to live for,to look forward to.I love my child to death and I make sure that I tell him that numerous times a day.So anyways,I thank you candoor,for letting me take the time out to write about how much my child means to me and I could go on forever about him,but right now,I dont have the time.I haveto get him up for school and cook him a good breakfast.

6:11 a.m. - 2005-09-14

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