Photobucket I have said to much

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The more you suffer,the better you are

**It takes my pain away**


I took a "dream"pill last night,two of them really,and I had no clue what happened when I awoke this morning.I looked like shit,my eyes were puffy and I had bags under them.Not that I cared.After all,I had slept a peaceful sleep with no tossing and turning and if I did,I was okay with it cause i didnt remember any of it.I am in love with those pills.I need more,many more of them.I am afraid of sleeping tonight without any help,although I am sure that my ONE beer I have will lead into going to the bar and drinking more,only so I can sleep.He called me last night,I never picked up the phone,I never even heard the phone ring which was quite cool.He says he wants to see me,that I should come over...for what?Cause your drunk?No,I think I am cool with how things are.Dont get me wrong,I would love to be in a relationship but I dont see it happening.I dont want to start something that I am scared of,and I am scared of being with someone.Its quite useless.I will end up hurt or hurting someone so why even bother?

**Death Becomes Her**

My aunt is dying.She is dying slowly.She says she wont be around for Christmas,and its quite sad because I dont want to go to a funeral,I dont want to visit her with the smell of death on her.I dont want to see death as it really is.I dont want to be reminded what it really is.I perfer to think my own thoughts of death and dying.That being that you are still alive yet,you just dont feel or care.I dont want to be any sadder then what I already am.I dont want to sit there and watch someone die right before my eyes.Maybe thats selfish,maybe not,I dont know,but I do know that I wouldnt handel seeing her very well,and even though I am not close to her,its the whole point of the "death"part.I would leave her house knowing that the next time I may see her,is when she is in a coffin,and I dont want or need that vision in my head...I already have enough in my head

3:08 p.m. - 2004-11-19

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