Photobucket I have said to much

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Mistakes are made everyday

*Sweet Silence*

I have been holding alot in.Even in my writing which can and is a huge mistake.I have been trying to tell others instead of writing.Yet the more I try,the harder it gets.The more I hold stuff in.And I cant do it anymore.I cant tell anyone anything without REALLY thinking it all over,which usually takes a couple of days thinking.On top of that days thinking.And then it all gets so built up that I can do it anymore.Yet I try.I do love Vern.I dont know why.There is no reason.I just fucking feel it.And I hate it at times.Other times,its all okay.I allow myself to know that its okay.Yet I am stuck in the past.Wanting Kyle back.Wanting what I had with Kyle.Wanting the child to have that back.And it just is not going to happen.It was "okay"when Kyle filled his nights with shoving shit up his nose.It was "okay"because I loved him and thats just how it was going to be.It was "okay"when Kyle wanted to gawk at girls all night and say and do stupid shit,because I loved him and thats how it was going to be.It was "okay" when Kyle said he was going to do something but didnt.It was "okay" when I was alone.It was all"okay"
Because I loved him.He came home to his house everynight.And I was there.It was okay because he was coming home to me.Vern isnt.Vern was souppose to,but he isnt.Kyle always did.Even those odd nights that I would stay at home...he came to me.It was always like that.I think I spent like 7 nights at my house in a year,yet out of those 7?He came to me at lease 5.Nothing is ever "okay"now.
You know what it is like for me now?I hate it.I hate my feelings,my emotions,my days,my nights.I hate being alone.I hate not knowing.When I didnt talk to Vern?When we were separated?I hated it.Not knowing.I checked the fucking obituaries every freaking day.I was SCARED.I was so scared that I was going to lose him.Forever.Its the not knowing with him.Its the not being there with him.Its the thought of doing this all over again.I really dont care if Vern shoves shit up his nose...I have learned to not care.Thats its going to be there anyways.And I would perfer to know then not to know.Its not fucking knowing.Kyle never really hid anything from me because he wanted me to know.He needed me to know.And I respected that.I couldnt get mad at him because he told me.And sometimes I would get mad at him,but it was "okay".He would tell me the things I didnt want to hear instead of the things I wanted to hear.And I need Vern to do that.But instead he will tell me that he got smashed and passed out.I already know the story.I am not trying to compare Vern to Kyle.And if it sounds like it,well...its not what I am doing.At lease I hope I am not.I haveto learn how to love someone again.And I haveto do it different this time.Instead of loving this persons downfalls and accepting them,I haveto learn how to accept them and then love them.And its really hard.After dickhead,I went through one realtionship
And I told them that I loved them because they told me they loved me.And maybe I did love them for a minute.How they made me feel and such,but I realize now that it wasent love.It was just a good feeling at the time.And so I moved on....slept with someone on and off for drugs,because of drugs.And it was fun,while it lasted.We were cool friends.But honestly,it was the drugs for me.He was cool though.So I moved on.It was soppouse to be a one nighter.Something fun,something to laugh about.Something to want more of.And it was.Yet I didnt move on.Instead I grew.I grew with the good feeling,with the drugs,with the sex,with the laughs,with the drinking,with the smiles.And along with
those things growing,so did my heart.And it grew so big.So massive.And it continued to grow and made me move on in other parts of my life.And it was cool.It was something great.And then I tried to move on.Without that feeling.Yet I still had the laughs,the smiles,the drugs,the drinking,then I had the sex,with everything but the good feeling.So I stopped.I gave myself a pause.I had the drugs.The drinking.Then came the smiles with the drugs and drinking,then the laughs.No sex.No good feeling.Just the smiling and laughing while i am fucked up.And it was okay.Then I moved on.To the good feeling.To the sex.To the heart growing.And now I am ready to pause again.I feel my heart growing and I hate it.I dont feel guilty about Kyle.I cant anymore.I have got to allow me to grow,and I never did,instead I covered it all up.,I cant right now.I find myself telling Vern things that I question,things that bother me,things that arent important to him but to me.Things that are important to me but not with him.I am not happy like I thought I was.And it really sucks.I have been thinking of getting back on the meds...even if i haveto pay the sevent five bucks a month,who cares?I cant do it anymore.The eating habit,the pill popping,the drinking,the I hate work.I just cant do it anymore.I cant worry anymore.I just want to be happy,thats it.My eating habit for the week(or is it 2 now?)is getting to me.A little bit worse then expected.I find myself not in the normal routine.Not having myself struggle.I did it with Kyle.And he was so mad...oh my god was he mad.Until i was honest with him.And told him that I wasent good enough for him.That he deserved someone that looked better.As i cried.And here i am,once again.Not needing to eat.Not being good enough.yet cant be honest.I saw Joe checking out my butt tonight at work...that made me feel good.And then a regular of mine from Chi-Chis told me that I lost some weight and that I looked good.Yet still not good enough.When is it?I weighed myself today and I am down to 127.I was at 143 in July and I liked my hair just not my fat face.Now I hate my hair and hate my face still,so it is never good enough.I dont know what to do.How to get happy.How to be happy.The happiest time I spend now is up at the bar.With the bar folk.Which really means that I am not happy.Yet I think I am at that time.And its funny because before there was a "good feeling"I sure would call up the Vernage and tell him just what I am thinking and now I pause,I pause so I can think.Think before I act kindof thing.I dont want to make any mistakes,yet I think i am by not being honest and saying what I feel.Thats how it builds up though.And thats what gets me thinking that its all a big mistake.

12:13 a.m. - 2005-12-24

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