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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- waiting to hurt I visited him today.I havent visit him all summer.And as I sat there,I pictured myself blowing my brains out just to be next to him.Something quick,something I cant turn back on and change the mind.I was 18,and I just had my fire.The one that destroyed everything I had,the one that took it all away.And I just had a baby eight months before.And here I sat trying,trying to get shit back in order.Trying to be a good mom,trying to have a family,trying to work.Trying to get back what I had lost.And all this time I was trying,dickhead was being just that.A DICK.Always hitting me,alway yelling,treating our child like shit.Blaming the fire on not being able to work.So one day,after a fight,of course,after dickhead wasent even home for the night,I went and got a bottle.Dickheads bottle of ritalin.And I took them all.I dont know how many were in there,I didnt care.I just wanted everything to go away.But it only took me a spilt second to panic.To realize that this was not what i waned.That I had a baby.I had a son to worry about,I had something to worry about other then broken love and burnt memories.I called 911.And I told them what I did.And I sat and waited for the ambulance to come.And even though the 911 lady told me not to pick my child up...I did.And when the ambulance arrived,they asked where the overdoser was,and I remember looking at them like they were stupid and I told them"here I am".I had Ty on my stomach all the way to the hospital.They pumped the pills out,and then a sheriff came in and told me I had 2 choices,go to the crazy house,or get the kid taken away.Of course i choose the crazy path.I thought about all of this today as the tears were falling and I was staring at the grass that holds my loves body.I would never actually kill myself.I would never take a gun and shoot myself.I have a child to worry about.I have dogs.I have his dog that I cant leave alone.But it dosent mean that I cant wish i can do it,it dosent mean that I cant picture it.It dosent mean that I cant long to be with my love.It hurts to know that this is how I feel.That if he wouldve just stayed living,I wouldnt haveto wish or long or picture anything.It hurt to go out to his grave.It hurts to cry.It even fucking hurts to type this.But I need to.I need to cry.I need to hurt.I need to just let it out. 9:46 a.m. - 2005-07-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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