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could it be the same

Its been forever.And I can feel it in my fingers as I type away.It feels good to feel forever.It feels good to know that there are 2 types of forevers.One where you want.The other where you need.And I have both of them right now.

**Its Eternal**
My grandma has passed away and I dont know how I feel.A part of me wants to scream and cry,and another part says that its okay.Death is like this huge secret.Like you dont know how to take any of it.And so your quiet about it.You think about it more and even though it races through your mind....you keep it right there.In your head.My grandma made me think about Kyle.And what it was like,what it felt like.And I didnt want to feel that again.I didnt want to hurt like that.I didnt want to cry.I didnt want to fucking feel like that.And I did.I hurt.I went home and I cried,and I clenched my fists up so tight I thought they would bleed.And as I did that.I thought about him.I thought about the pain,I thought about how it was so fucked up that I was feeling it again.

++Good Bye Mr.Blue++

I find myself in this rage.This stuff that is just built up in me.This stuff that I need to get out,that I need to say,that I just need to do something with.I find myself wanting to do something about it.I dont want to go back to the same old thing.The same damn me I always go back to.I stopped smoking,I even stopped popping pills.For a minute.Same old thing.Same old me.It never changes.It never stops,and I dont understand why I always think that it will.

Im laughing
but their laughing
at me
*******************************

Its not fair.To do what I am doing to others.What I am feeling.People dont deserve what I put them through.And I know this,yet I continue to do it.To start to breathe,to start to live.And then I shut down.And I stop breathing,I stop living.I stop being"okay".I stop being anything.And its not fair to make people feel as though I am"okay",because when I cant be "okay",they see me differently because thats how I made them see me as.This"okay"person.

**Please Set Me Free**

He saw it.The other day.The past few days.I feel stupid.Stupid that I let him see it.Stupid that I try to have him understand.Stupid that i talk about it.Stupid that i try to explain.But isnt that what I want?Isnt that what I was just bitching about?Wanting to do those things?Needing to do thse things?
Then why do I feel so damn stupid for allowing someone to see ME?

8:44 p.m. - 2005-03-08

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