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broken hearts bleed.
Theres no such thing as a cure for post traumatic stress syndrom.Instead they fill you up with drugs that make you sleep,drugs that make you relax,drugs that make you forget.Drugs that make you not feel.I dont take the drugs.And maybe I should.Because I cant sleep,because I cant forget,I cant relax
yet I can feel which is the one thing I dont want.Vern says he loves me.I think he just loves the sex and not me.He is a good person....maybe,Im still learning about him and he hasent even begun to learn about me yet.He dosent know my "details",he dosent know whats inside my head,he really dosent know to much.But does he haveto?Would anything change if he knew?I dont take the drugs because I didnt like my lifestyle.I didnt like shutting myself away,yet I do believe that I need them.I have these spurts.These spurts of smelling the forbidden candle I cant get rid of.Spurts of looking into the stars and seeing what is actually up there.Little spurts of tears falling onto the floor while I paint my toe nails.And then there are the spurts of grabbing my head and wishing it would all just go away.Would someone still "love"me if they knew?Would someone still care enough about me that they wouldnt call me crazy?Or even just freak out?I cant make anything go away,its never going away,and I dont think that I could ever make anyone understand.Maybe I just dont want anyone to because I dont understand myself.And how can I share any of this with Vern,the lesbians or anyone else when no one has a fricken clue.I think I am being used by Vern for sex.He once moved all his porn to his nightstand,I noticed that now,he has his magazines in his headboard,not just one or two but more like 30,maybe even 40,and he moved them because I wasent around.I wasent this happy little person,but dosent this always work this way?Once someone starts to show me a little bit of caring,maybe a bit of love,I start to look at everything else.And looking at everything else leads me to look at nothing else.Just the "somethings".The things that should not bother me but still do.Vern will never understand me.I wont let him.Why you may ask?He dosent know enough,and what he does know is enough for him.But not me.I want him to know about me,about how I feel and what I think,but it would all turn into a spurt,and then once again I would be left with nothing,I would scare him off,I would make him think that I can not love.Because thats what I am most afraid of.
12:30 a.m. - 2005-09-26
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