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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I need this All I have been doing is thinking of Vern.Thinking of HIM.Its a no win situation.If I am happy thinking of Vern,HE pops in.And if I am thinking of HIM,Vern pops in.I want to try.I do.I want the things I wish for.If I cant have it with HIM,then why the hell cant I have it with someone else?You know why?Cause I wont allow myself to be taken as I was once before.But I am so willing to try.I am so willing to do the things I useto,but differnt.With someone else.I cant have HIM back.I know this,so I am finally kicking myself in the ass telling me that its OKAY.Its OKAY to accept things.Its OKAY to be willing to accept those things.Its okay to want to accept them.Its just fucking okay.It hasto be.I am never going to get anywhere where I want to in my life until I accept things.And its pretty fucking hard.Everytime I THINK everything is so okay...its not.It will never be,and i should know this,and I do.My head says...yes you know it,but my heart aches.My heart cries,my heart bleeds,my heart hurts.And that is why nothing is ever okay.Everyone says.."oh listen to your heart"yet when your heart says that it hurts and that it sucks,are you still soppouse to listen to it?Cause jesus,I have been,and its not working and I am tired.Tired of listening. *Wait,they dont love ya* I am going to get skinny again.I promise.And if I dont then I will hurt myself.Everytime too.I know that its stupid.But there isnt anything else I can do.I am active,I walk,I work,I do things ,I eat healthy and nothing works so fuck it.I am tired of me,tired of the thoughts.All I ate today was some salmon and some pretzels,and the rest was beer,sure...not very good for ya,but when all I did was not eat and drink beer...i was FINE.So it began today,the hatred,the self pity.Fuck it.I hate how I look and feel,so why not change it?And if I cant then I will prove to myself that it hurts either way,if I lose weight,it will hurt,if I dont..it will hurt worse.Its time to begin this all over again. *Give me Miles and Miles* I want to feel good about myself,and I want to be able to be looked at in good taste and not just a fuck.Since I stopped taking my pill,I have been careful.I have been good.I useto want tons of kids,now i think its cool with the one I have.Today I sat and looked at all the harleys and stared at the single guys with them.If I had a batch of babies,I couldnt have a harley ride,I couldnt even get a damn car ride.No one wants that anymore.Most want to live their life to the fullest and the guys i am attracted to,want to live THEIR life with someone that can share the others life.I couldnt.I know it sounds awful,I love my child.I love him with all I have.But sometimes I get mad cause someone will call me up with these great plans and i know I cant go.I know that even if I brought the child that I wouldnt have that great of a time cause i am the only one with a kid.It sucks sometimes.It sucks to sit here on a Friday with 3 kids in my house because ,I have one and with one comes the sleep overs and the non friendly party life I do live without him.My whole scheadule changes when I have him,and I really dont mind.But sometimes i get so bored and so pissed off knowing that I could be doing something else other then nothing.And I know that my drinking habits are not fair to my kid.I know this.I know it all to well,but I cant help it.I have thought about the kid situation,and I think that my ONE is enough.I do think that i am done.And even though I have stopped taking the anti-baby pills,I will be careful,and I will be good.I so couldve had Vern,and I didnt.I didnt cause i was good,Although I wanted him afterwards,its all okay.I want things to work.If thats the case.If he likes me as much as he says,then no drunk sex,no drunk blowjobs,no drunk kissing.I need to do this,I need to be good,i need to want this.To actually WANT it and not be drunk wanting it.Well i can be,I just wont do it.I dont know.There is something about him,something within me.The way I feel.This is the first guy that tried to do something that i have pushed away in a while.Well I cant really say that,but I so want it to work if there is something there.I dont want another realtionship where I build it on drunkeness,where in order to enjoy the person,I haveto at lease be buzzed.Once I was sober with Bob,he just annoyed the piss out of me.When he wanted to touch me,I cringed.I hated being with him unless I was drunk.And if I wasent drunk then I had nothing to say to him and believe me,I so did not think he was attractive.But I held on,until I couldnt anymore and yea,it was hurtful and wrong to do that to him,but thats why i am tired.That is why with Vern,I so need it to be different.I want a life with someone.Someone I can enjoy and not just fuck.Jesus,I am tired of just fucking people.I ahve given up on it all.Vern says that he should make"love"to me,of course,it was drunk talk,but to me,it was sweet.I explained to him that I would feel stupid only because I am fuckable,not lovable.And I will change it all.I haveto in order to be happy,in order to get what i want.I am done playing games and thinking that i am still a kid.I am going to be 29 years old.I have nothing to show for myself.I am a waitress,I live above the folks with no space to breathe,I do nothing but drink and work.And I am ready to be loved.I am ready to have love.I am ready to accept that i am just not fuckable.And that i am a person that can have the few things in life that I would like to have. 9:46 p.m. - 2005-06-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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