Photobucket I have said to much

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My letter to him

Vern,
I guess I could've written this with a nice pen,something colorful,or maybe I could've put this away in some sort of magical envelope,but I dont think it would matter.
For starters,let me explain the whole typing situation,we all know I am great at talking,ha..but I am better at saying things that bother me by putting them on paper and I think I needed to do this.So anyways,what I am going to do is type whatever I have to say,whatever goes through my head and some of it won't make any sense.Some of it might.It dosent matter only for the simple fact that this will probably turn into something I read through out the course of the day and will end up feeling stupid,only to never let you know.But I am going to do it anyways.And so here we go.......I feel like shit.Like I have been ran over.Maybe banged around a couple times.Maybe even thrown off a cliff just to pick up the broken pieces.Like I have said before,I fuck up.Alot.Not just with people but with other things as well,and it always seems that when I am having a *blast* and enjoying something,it almost hasto come to an end of some sort.And rumors can be rumors and gossip is just that,but sometimes when you maybe hear to much or even see to much,you tend to believe that maybe those rumors arent that,and maybe the gossip is actually the truth and then you start to think of things.Which usually leads to a mess.It started a while ago Vern.It started with little conversations that I heard.And these people had no clue that I was listening,or maybe they had no clue that I knew you,but they talked and as I watch Danyels mouth move one night,I was listening to the background noise,I was listening to a conversation that maybe I should'nt have heard.It dosent matter.It did'nt then,but it kindof does now.Because now I see stuff,now I know things I guess.Or maybe I don't,maybe I just think I know,and really don't,but the sick feeling I have had in my stomach for the last couple days makes me think differently.It kindof feels like all the butterflies that were bursting with energy and made this incredible feeling,all got poisoned.And now they are trying to get out,and I really wish they would cause the feeling is no *blast*.I once met this guy,a while back.Couple years,and he told me the things I wanted to hear,never the things I didnt of course cause it dosent work that way does it?Anyways...I didnt share to much.There was no ghetto styling it with him,there was no "this is my kid", there was no "sleepovers",there wasent to much there and only because I didnt want to fuck up.And well I found out that he had a girlfriend,not just a regular one,but one that he shared kids with,one that he shared 12 years with.And then I found out that I was nothing new.That it happened all the time.And here I am....the stupid bitch.So over the last couple years,I guess you could say I gave up.Thats the easiest way.To forget about it,act like it never happen.And then as I was doing fine, giving up,not trying,I came to adore you.And I share things,because this time its different right?This time I am going to try not to fuck it up,this time I dont want to fuck it up,this time I dont want to be the stupid bitch.This time I want to be normal.This time I want it to be okay.And Vern,I saw you at the bar on Thursday,I just told you that I didn't for the simple fact that I didn't want to see,I didn't want to match the rumors and the gossip with what I saw.And did it bother me that you were having a drink with someone?No...it did not bother me at all.What bothered me is what I knew,and then you left,she came looking for you only to leave and not return.And thats when the butterflies got poisoned.Thats when I knew your type,and I know hers,cause well...I know her.And through out the course of the night,I had someone tell me that I was your girl,I had someone tell me to give you a chance,and of course I had the one that told me that he warned me.And so I sat.Listening to stories.Trying to ignore them by watching t.v.,trying to ignore them by drinking a little more,smoking a bit more.And I was going to go to Todd's that night.But I think I saw pity in his eyes and I didnt want to lose it in front of someone,in front of anyone.So I came home.Drank some more,smoked some more and couldnt hold it in.And I lost it.I dont think I have cried that hard in a long time.And I actually needed someone,anyone to tell me that it would be okay.But there was no one here.And that made me feel like shit even more.So here I sat at home with all these things going through my head,and I didn't want to call you.I didn't want to lose it even more.But I did,because I needed to I guess.And I dont know what I said,I could care less,but I know how I felt sitting here not having such a *blast*,I know how sick I felt,how used I felt,how I fucking felt and it so did not feel good at all.And have you ever felt like half your life you spent caring and then when you stop,you notice that it crept right back up on you?Yea....well that night I noticed that it crept up on me,and it came full force and it sucked.So I am sure that I called you again.And the more I sat here and thought,the worse it got.And I wanted to either rewind or fast forward,but I didnt know which one but I knew that I didnt want to be where I was at.I wanted it to go away.I wanted everything to go away.I wanted to just get up and leave.Take off,go somewhere,forget about all of it.Forget about the *blasts*,forget about the adoring,forget about the child coming up with different names for you.I just needed to do something other then think about you and everything that came with you.It didnt happen though.Instead my dear brother but not by blood came over.And he wasent in the right state of mind,a little coked up maybe,but he sat with me til 6:30 in the morning.Listening to any story I had to tell of you.Wiping the stupid snot out of my hair(yea...kindof a mess that night)and he kept telling me not to give up,not to get so upset,that didn't I tell him that this was going to happen.And for the first time in a long time...I didnt want to work.I didnt want to be this cheerful person who has to put on a smile as a job.Because that's what it was going to beA job.I didn't work my opening to close.My normal shift.Instead,I took a break,and I needed it.And you surprised me by calling,and I surprised myself by even answering the phone.I didn't know what to say to you.For the first time,I had no words.And now it seems as though that is all I have.I don't know how well of a job I did expressing myself in this short little novel that I am typing,but it all came from somewhere inside me.And maybe wherever that somewhere is,maybe it matters,maybe it dosen't.I have no clue.Comparing to how I feel now that we met,its like I didn't feel at all before.My life dosen't involve alot Vern.It dosen't haveto.I know my responsabilites,and I take care of them.And I am over all happy with my life style and the things I own.And I dont own much,and the things I do own,its all so ghetto,it dosen't bother me,I dont need materialistic bull shit.Money does grow on trees,it's only paper.I need more then that,or maybe I dont need and maybe just want,but then I am happy with what I want.I was just starting to learn what you had to offer I guess.Maybe,so I think.And for a minute there,what you had given me,how you made me smile,how just by thinking of you I would crack up at work so much that I had tears rolling down my cheeks,you gave me what I wanted...without even realizing it.And maybe I was wrong because I didn't share any of it with you.And maybe its all to late to do it now.But right now,at this moment,I am offering you how I feel.The good and the bad(you take them both and there you have...the facts of life).And I am far from perfect,none of us are."Perfect"is a highly over rated word.And I can go on having my *blasts*,I can go on and forget,I can continue with life.But I kindof don't want to forget.I don't want to think that the could've beens turned into what shouldn't have been,or what the shouldn't have beens turned into what could've been.So I dont know,whatever.It's not really up to me.I still adore you.But I don't adore you enough to be maybe labled as the 'stupid bitch',or to continue to keep adoring you only to have my butterflies be poisoned.I give up easily.I am not a fighter,and I dont choose to be one.It's kindof up to you right now.What you want,what you need.What you may think you need or want.So anyways,this is my last chapter...I told you what I needed,what I wanted,maybe even some things that should've been said long before this,so now I will just close this little novel up.

5:13 p.m. - 2005-08-06

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