|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A landslide He didnt get home til 4 am the other night,the night he was soppouse to call me,whatever.Thats what cocaine does to you I guess...makes you stay up all night and forget the important things in life.He did come over last night.At first things were tense,weird,kindof like...what do we say to each other and still act as though nothing happened,but things turned out fine.Things were fine because I fucked th shit out of him once again.This time though it was quite different.I never took my eyes off of him.As I sat on top of him examining his face,I pushed harder,I moved faster,I took his nipples and squeezed,and thats when I noticed that yes...he is my match for sure.As he laid there,with the words "yes"coming out of his mouth,I fucked him harder,I squeezed harder,and when he was all finished,I felt good,I felt wonderful.He is getting better at releasing himself into me.And I love it. When you get what you want I thought about something the last couple days.And I know what I heard.Yes,drugs played a role in it,yes I was drunk,but I know what I heard and it kindof makes me happy,kindof makes me scared.He said something to me the other night about a baby.Now I am not to clear on how the conversation went,but I do remember him saying something about it all.And I realized something.I have not had sex with anyone since my sweet love unprotected.I have always been on birth control,or used condoms.And I stopped taking my birth control because I didnt want to have sex anymore with stupid people.I didnt want fake love,I didnt want just a fuck,I wanted more.So I get off the birth control and start a collection of free condoms,and here I am.Having this wonderful sex,these sessions of crazy love making,these unconditional fucking sprees,with absolutely nothing.And am I scared?You bet,time for the birth control.Yet I am happy in a way as well.That I always thought about the consequences,ever since my sweet love.And here I am,not realizing it all until now.Until the whole baby thing was brought up.And I know that he would be a good dad,he has already proved that to me.At his age,which is no big deal to me,yet at his age,he wants a kid,and once he told me that he will have one.Yet the same thoughts pop into my head that were there with the sweet love the night before he died.And I am not trying to compare.I have spent the last 2 years comparing people to my sweet love,yet,I worry just like I did with my sweet love.And I know that the Vernage is trying to behave.I know that he is trying not to shove shit up his nose.And I do respect that in him.That I gave him a reason to try.But the thought of getting pregnant by him and not knowing when the last time he did the booger sugar scares me.And maybe I am thinking way to stupid.Looking into the future and shit,because really if you look at it all...what kind of future is there?
Yes I smoke pot,enough now to be called a pothead,but I refuse anything else.Even if its in front of me.I stick with mother nature.I smoke the plants,I see nothing wrong with it all as long as it does not do harm to your life style.Cocaine scares me.It makes you angry,it makes you hurt people,it makes you do stupid things and say dumb things.And it makes you stay up all night which I never have a problem with.I stopped taking pills around the time that I met the Vernage.And I think it was because I didnt need the extra energy.I had all this energy inside of me,waiting to burst out,and he brought that out in me.Now I wish sometimes that my supply of different pills,my daily selection of a *pocket full of sunshine*still exsited,but I have noticed that without it all,its all okay.And I crave.Oh boy,do I ever crave sometimes.Maybe just a valuim,maybe just one jet alert,maybe just one...or two or three or a whole pocket full,but thats how it ends up isnt it?And I know it all to well.For years I played the part,a lab rat,a medical study.I can be it all without a daily dose.Its hard some days.The other night I cried because I just wanted something.Anything
9:04 a.m. - 2005-09-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||