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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The mouse wins For the first times in YEARS....I took a Knife to my arm and REMEMBERED EVERYTHING I havent felt it in years. But I felt it tonight. After I told him that I think he has more PTSD than he thinks. That I get that he was DIAGNOSED with Bi-polar ....YEARS ago. Yea.. I totally get that Bi-polar is a "thing" NOW. I GET IT. But Let me tell ya something....I soooo know PTSD more than you think, PTSD is wanting to end it ALL, I cant remember that a day didnt pass by that I dindnt wanted to just be "gone" .Why am I here anyways?I never see my kid...my beautiful fucking grandson,,,my folks need me more than I can function....and my husband is just......there.Never enough time though. To do anything.PTSD stems from experiencing something that you didnt want to witness ,,, something that you didnt wish to be a part of.I will be honest,I felt such a .....peaceful feeling after I was told that I am actually "fucked". I have dealt with SO MANY feelings.Within THOSE feelings.....theres these small little words that are constantly floating.And all those words....are all my feelings. SO many floating. Libra,I have the scales.....always 50/50. Bi-polar....remember?Remember the whole Bi-polar issue between us? Yeaaaaa well ...I got a scale for that as well.I have been dealt the WORST cards ever. Why? Cause I just cant let shit just.....go. I cant just get hammered and sleep.I think to much. I dont numb myself anymore by covering it all up. Unfortunately that there is our difference. When I first realized that I loved him...it didnt take long.He was a booty call....I think I was his..I dont know..I didnt care and I still dont..but he was mine....and here is this guy ...and he is beautiful. His heart ...ahhh we have all had grey hearts.....maybe his was,I dont know or care ,me? Mine was turning black,,,,dying, Went through so many colors. Grey scared me..After grey comes black.His heart wasent like mine. Dude had so much more color than mine.He made me feel wanted.LOVED. I can go on and one .I can sit here and think of this "love" story..but I cant...I love writing. I love expressing my feelings.but I would rather TALK to someone. Have them feel a bit of saliva because im talking so much that I haveto drink more.And be alone. Because you know what I am thinking about tonight? a dead body Once you realize..there is a trend.....You might just understand that we are very much alike 11:26 p.m. - 2019-12-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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