|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Never ending chapter I dont write often anymore. I dont know why....at first I thought it was because ,you know,the whole happy married life,I have someone to talk to deal,however,I think its because I lost it. I THOUGHT I had this whole "thing". I lost me. Caught up with fake shit. Ive been off meds for a while now. Why? Well...my shrink was not the best. My city and mental health dont go together,theres limited places .....unless you are a kid and thats kindof sad. I dont know what it is like to have an "episode" . I was either crazy and un medicated or stable some what with meds. I dont know what I am right now. But what I can tell you is that I am overwhelmed....that I feel alone,that no one listens,that I am forced to be alone, I am mad,sad,hungry,and....just alone. My depression is here.My anxiety is at its peak. This eating disorder bullshit makes me feel shitty,yet good.yet crabby and useless. And ugly.My PTSD is letting me sleep a few hours here and there,yet,here I am. Doing what I need to do. I go to work.....I get up and I feed my pigs,I get myself ready,I fill his coffee cup and fill mine.I get the coffee ready for the next day. All before 6:30.Then I leave for work. I come home around 2:45 and I feed the pigs,the dogs ,I refill the de humidifier (sometimes in the morning too ) I sweep... maybe take the garbage and / or the recyclables out.I make his sandwich. And I go work out.2 hours later.....around 6..maybe 7 I let the pigs out,take a shower and I get to sit down. And all I hear is about work, about cartoons. I stopped talking this week, I dont care. I dont care about how tired YOU are .How hard YOUR day was. I realized tonight that he would rather ignore my feelings than deal with them.When I did express myself,I was being mean. For fucks sake,I was mean all week! Even though I didnt talk. I was "short". After I expressed how I was feeling,he went to bed. That was that. My words were a waste of my energy.Energy that I didnt really have. Energy that had to be found cause EVERYTHING else is sucking me dry. But who cares ? Right?Im mean. Im disappointed . Im pretty sure he has no clue about the recycling program I am starting at work. Or how I started that series on prime that when I wake up after an hour that I watch. But I am mean cause I am TIRED of listening to your anime deal?Or how tired you are? How you didnt sleep? Heres the thing that I have learned from not being on meds.....Im gonna have these "days" . I accept these "days" . I know what happens to my emotions.I know what happens to my energy. I know what the fuck happens. I know it sucks.Heres what I dont know. I dont know how to deal with someone who ignores my mental state. I dont know how to deal with my emotions when I cant share them. I dont know how to talk to anyone when theres so much selfish bullshit with everyone around me. Go the fuck to bed....just to complain the next day about how tired you are.I dont think most people know how exhausting mental illness can be. Oh ...wait....I need to learn how to deal with these episodes right? Well....Im just learning. And its not very fun when youre stuck alone. I dont ignore mental illness. I KNOW Ihave issues. I am loud and proud of telling the world that I have issues. I dont get how people can just think that its ok to ignore it....regardless if its themselves or someone else. Here I am....struggling .ALL WEEK. And the only person I THOUGHT I could talk to,went to bed. Cause I am mean. Good shit for someone thats dealing with an "episode" 11:07 p.m. - 2019-11-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||