Photobucket I have said to much

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ride that black horse.

I am going to meet him.fuck it,his words were to hurtful to leave it be.What am I doing?Who knows and who fuckig cares.Tony is a great guy.He has been there for me and he has seen me through alot but ...BUT..I dont know.Theres a BUT in it all.Shouldnt that mmean something?Anything?Something about the fucking eyes.Something.I attach to easily.I haveto stop.I dont know what I am doing and I miss Josh who was always my savior for everything and anything.I told Tony last night that I slept with Christie and did he have a clue.He didnt,One secret out.Im sure we wont be hanging out with her or Mike anymore.I have kept to many secrets from him to make things right I think.I am so fucked these days.I am just fucked.I wannna be married.I do...and have a this fucking life where shit is just....ok.I want to travel.I want to sleep in the dessert and be stupid and look at the stars and talk shit.I want my dog to e fucking ok and I ant to spend the rest of my life dragging him along and just to be happy.I want Mo back...I want Josh back and I want my life.I want my cousin Billy to be there and be the best of friends like we were.I want to be able to have everyone that was there......just to be there.I need no meds...I know this.Kyle has reminded me every fucking day that normal just cant happen.Kyle reminds me.Kyle fucking reminds me of everyfuckingthing.So I took a lorazapham the other night....passed out while I was typing.Little did anyone know that I took 2.I dont give a fuck.Beers helped.Tony says that he wants me back..Back from where?When we were soppouse to be just fucking?Yea.....I wanna slice my writs open half the time...did you hear that?No...instead its I LOVE YOU.Fuck love and fuck whatever may come with it.I dont want to be loved.I dont want to have anyone fall in fucking love with me.I dont want to love anyone.I told Tony today to fuck this cell phone....I dont want the shit anymore.I dont want anything anymore.I stopped writing because I feel as though I have no time.I can not write when people are talking or when someone is looking over my fucking shlder.I have stopped doing what I have always done to help myself just to make others feel ok.Well guess what the fuck?I DONT FEEL OK.I miss my writing nights and I miss expressing myself and I miss getting stoned and I miss my music and I miss....alot.What the fuck does this mean?

12:37 a.m. - 2011-07-19

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