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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I will not hear what you say I have a crush.again.I know its all so damn stupid.Whatever.Past couple days I have been wondering what it would be like to be different.How it would be if I wasent here.or there.If I was just somewhere.New.New friends.New life.New light.New laughter.So much energy.I think we both dont want to admit that we just changed.Change came with the good at first....but now?This..THIS?what is THIS?This house is killing me.I have nothing for it.It takes my energy at the door and gives it back when I leave.Nothing I say ever matters.Or maybe no one gives two fucks.Or maybe I complain to much.Which ever way it goes,I dont give two fucks anymore.Nothing is ever going to change.NOTHING EVER CHANGES.EVER.Maybe I wasent ready for all THIS.Maybe I never really wanted THIS.I do know that at one point he was all I ever needed and wanted.At one point I felt different when I looked at him.I dont look at him like that anymore.Its all to much work.THIS whole thing.Everyday its something new.most of the time its something old.NOTHING CHANGES.I was in a parade on Saturday and had a fricken blast.My intentions were to roam the downtown by myself for beer,but I had a co workker with me.LOVED IT.Every second.I felt alive and I felt as though I mattered..to anyone...to someone but I felt it.I had a great time,and to this day I am still talking about it.I havent felt like that in such a long time.What does that mean?Im tired.Tired of being dead.You cant tell these things to him.Because you already have.Its always something.Well...I gotta get the fuck away from all these somethings.THIS isnt right anymore.THIS is not how THIS is soppouse to be.Im miserable.I am fucking midserable here.Tired of all the "changes"that never come.All the words that are said yet never followed thru.And its not just THIS.Its the whole life.I feel as though there should be more to THIS life....to that life.He is mad tonight cause all I did was say Hi when I came home.I said HI and went and took a shower.Sorry I got my fucking period today at work.On my split shift.I made an effort.You...you did not.Until you aske me if I was not talking to you tonight,I asked you the same,you got mad.Didnt I say Hi? THIS..THIS is what I speak about.This is much to hard for me .I dont need a noose around my neck...I dont need to choke.But it seems as if thats what THIS is all about now. 9:49 p.m. - 2011-03-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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