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Wild thoughts

Ever watch a movie and wish you were the one that starred in it?I watched Into The Wild last night,the movie makes me choke a few back because thats what I wanted to do when the boy turned 18.Go.Leave shit behind.Experience life.It started making me think if Tony and I are meant to be.It started making me feel miserable to be here yet happy that I have what I have.It made me cry.I dont think that he "gets"it.That I need more then just what I have,I need more....LIFE.When I say LIFE I dont mean,go out bar hopping ..get all fucked up.I mean L-I-F-E.I want to see things and feel things.I want to go out to the desert,close my eyes and feel what I see.I want to breathe in crisp air while hearing sounds of water.I want to live ow do you tell someone you have been with for 3 years that maybe you rushed tings to fast?That maybe you cant wait another 9 years til his youngest reaches that certain age?That maybe...maybe once your kid is of age......maybe you wont want to help with anymore.I dont know.I dont want to waste the time i have waited for just to lay around and watch kids waste shit,and piss me off.I shouldnt get pissed ,and no one deserves it but my feelings are my own,and let me tell you...washing one mother fucking outfit?Makes me PISSED.So I stop buying detergant.As of last night.I quit,and I have been quitting more.More quitting =
less bitching.He tells me that we are a family and all this crap...but we are not and I havent felt like we were ever.So I give up,I quit and in 2 years when the boy turns 18,maybe there will be nothing left for me here.Maybe I will have quit everything and gave the rest up and maybe it will be easier for me to tell him that my time ....its up.That it will be time to go.I dont belong here anyways,I can feel it in my chest when I think of Arizona,I think of the desert and the wind and theres a lump in my chest,he will tell me that I only want to go cause of Vern,Ill tell him to fuck off.The movie made me think,the movie still has me crying this morning because of how close it hits home to me.No one understands and no one will.Especially the boyfriend.I cant talk to him anymore about anything,and I have no friends,so I pretty much have no one to talk to.It must be nice to be able to walk into a store and not look at prices and just grab.Must be nice to offer kids 20 bucks to do yard work that they should be doing anyways,must be nice to not give a fuck about who washes what and how much.He complains that we are always tight on money and I should be giving him more a month.And thats fine,I am thinking of giving him what I would be paying in rent,but you better be sure that I stop buying alot of fucking shit that people waste in this house.I dont get to walk in a store and NOT bargain shop.I dont get to run my kid over to walmart just cause they need something.I dont get to just open up my wallet or swipe a fucking card.So when I say I want to experience
LIFE....this to me is not what I see as LIFE.I see nothing beautiful and when I close my eyes,I see the the things that piss me off ,wasteful bullshit,I am tired of seeing the same shit and never experiencing anything but a trip to BARGAIN shop for shit thats wasted.I dont know how to tell him any of this,but in 2 years?In 2 years when I can experience shit...who knows what will happen.I may just leave,I dont know.I love him,I love him alot,but theres no family here and there isnt room for me to grow with all the bullshit in this house.I have changed in the wrong way since I met him.I am more angry and more quiet,I see people wasting shit every day not realizing what they have.Never doing any hard work unless if paid.Never doing shit actually.I dont believe in that crap...and maybe he does ..he says he dosent but he dosent show that he dosent,and me?Im just ready to get out in the wild myself and love life again....

5:38 a.m. - 2011-03-11

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