Photobucket I have said to much

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Chia pet

Letting go is hard.A bit to hard.There are those days when things are easier than what it is,and there are the days when every.fucking.thing.just goes to shit.I go through these stages where I wish I had certain things back in my life and even though I know that change is good and letting go is hard,I cant seem to shake thoughts of "I useto"and "what ifs" and "I wish".What life was better for me?When all I did was party and sit for hours smoking and drinking and typing?Or this one?Where I sit and never have time for anything,never time for myself,never able to be that person I ONCE was?I liked the times when I didnt have to be so damn "grown up" and it didnt matter what time I opened my beer or what time I went to bed.When it didnt matter where the fuck I was going and what I was doing.I liked the times when I had shit to do...when I had friends that taught me and when I had time to learn the things that were taught.I liked the times when money was never an issue,and I could stay up all night with myself not having to worry about someone wanting me to talk to them or be by them.I check Josh's facebook through the boy's.Im stuck on knowing him and never forgetting.I am not in love with him but the love I have for him is quite real and my heart reminds me by making sure I know how he is.We may be done being the friends we once were but he will always be a huge part of me.Letting go is hard.And sometimes you haveto and sometimes you dont because you cant and sometimes you just act as though you have let go.I miss those Barnes and Noble times.I have a day off from work and it seems as though I am forever doing housework or some other bullshit and before you know it,my day is over and Tony is home.I like my alone time more then I thought I did.And who knows,maybe I was never soppouse to "want"to spend my life with someone,maybe I wasent soppouse to do alot of things,but what is here is here now.And I dont know if I want to change things I dont know if I want anything.Things are rough now.Tonys ex is making me pull away from everyone.And I am to the ppoint where I just dont.give.a.fuck.He always wants to be the good guy.Let the dyke ruin us....be the good guy.I dont give a crap anymore.I would like to save money and get the fuck outta here...how is that ever possiable when my work schedule revolves around his kids school?I dropped everything to have this so called life I "always" wanted.I dropped EVERYTHING.I have no friends.none.Not one god damn person I can talk to.Not one person I can do coffee with,not one person I can sit and chat with and get all stupid.My life is just this.This house,these people,its just...this.I have lost so much ,so much ..just to sit here and not feel alive?To sit here and feel like this is it?This is living?This is...my life?I want to feel ..I want to be able to feel..I want to be able to live and feel as though I am.I havent for such a long time.I miss to many things to have THIS be just THIS.I cant just sit here and have this be it.I want there to be more.I need there to be more.I need something more then just aminute a day alone.I need more then just a day off.I need to see more.I need more then just a fucking lorazapham,or 2.I need more.I need.more.

4:09 p.m. - 2011-02-26

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