Photobucket I have said to much

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Its written in pen,and pen can not earse

Its turning nice outside.I have flowers that are in bloom and an ancre of yard to enjoy.Had the day off with no car....and right now...Im pretty lonely.I like cold weather theres less memories.Warm weather reminds me of drunkin nights and warm thoughts of people that are no longer there.I need a re fill on my meds...but didnt get it today because well..Im sore from riding the bike for 9 miles and walking everywhere and instead of walking to walgreens I choose to walk to walmart and get some smokes.Here I sit.I kknow I wouldnt be where I am now if Kyle were still here but this fucking warm breeze that is pissing me off reminds me of him.It brings me to these thoughts.Where would WE be if he never died?Would we have had a kid or kids?I dont want any kids because well...he was the last person I wanted to have them with.He was the last person i wanted to marry and build a life with and so here I sit.Unmedicated.With a guy who gives me everything and all I want to do is get fucked up and be by myself.Maybe I should smoke some dope....im tired.Tired of not being happy when I should.Tired of not being able to be happy.Tired of all the kids.Tired of work.Tired.I am just tired and really wish I could get some valiums again so I could sleep and be in my own world.I am sorry for Tony.He loves me and tries so hard to make me hapopy...but theres only so much you can do and you can only try for so long.I dont think I will ever be 100% happy.Dont think I know how.I just wish that the Kyle thing never happened and I am pissed that it did because I am going to hurt for the rest of my life and regardless of what I do or regardless of who is in my life....that fucking guy is always going to be here...in my life.I cant earse him even though I have tried.

3:41 p.m. - 2010-04-02

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