Photobucket I have said to much

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a book...a..letter

Dear Kyle,
So you left me.I woke up next to you and your body was cold...yet I held you.I held you thinking that you were cold from the window being opened and I rubbed you and I squeezed you and it took me less then 2 minutes to know.I knew.Boy.......did I know.I fucking wrote about it the night before.So why?Why?Why did you do this?5 years down the road and you know what?I AM NOT ALRIGHT.I have so many god damn issues from you.When you left me..I went and I got help...help that resulted in pills.Not the pills that you died from...the pills that I was to die from without knowing.I was hooked.They kept me numb...they kept me from being awake...they kept me from crying.Why?Why?Why me?What did I do?Rememeber that time I cut out heart paper and wrote down all the things that I loved about you?And I taped them everywhere in your house?I taped them with heart stickers.Your aloe plant died...but the sticker is still there.I loved you.Oh I so loved you.I went through such a bad time without you.I covered up so much because you werent there.I didnt hide much from you but what i did try to hide...you already knew.Yes...I did spray paint your ex's car.I dont know why I did it,or even why I lied to you about it.You came into my life when i didnt think I would ever find someone as great as you.We had so many things going for us,from day one...that click..that certain click that everyone wants to hear was there.And I heard it with you.I was so happy to know that we were going to Flordia so I could meet your dad,little day I know that I would be meeting him outside your house while we were packing things up.L:ittle day I know that while we were soppuse to be on that plane to see him....you...you were going down that hole that would be your resting place.I dont know what happened after you left me.Why I screwed up as much as I did.Why I slept with two of your friends or why I replaced you with your best friend.But Josh was there for me.I can tell you that much.You had one hell of a best friend Kyle.And when he became mmy best friend,it felt right.While he was working in Long Beach,I wrote him letters once a week.I wrote him emails daily.He held me up when I was willing to let myself fall.But replacing him for you was wrong and I ruined that friendship,and sometimes I believed that if I let go of him,I would let go of you.I let go of him Kyle,I screwed up to much with him and popped to many pills on my own,Ilet go of him but I never let go of you.When i moved all of your stuff into my apartment...the apartment that I never even slept at,you were everywhere.At night I would pop my valuims and drink the rum we still had left and I would bang on my head,I would pound on my legs,pull out my hair,I took a knife to my arm one night just to....let it...all....out.I passed out with blood running down my arm.Only to wake up and cry and hate myself a bit more.Could I have saved you?Could I ?That night...that fricken night before you died,I wrote in my journal..what if?what if he dosent wake up?And you didnt.I remember how we were standing on your porch and you were smoking your cigar,you just came from Harborfest and didnt feel well,your face was red and your eyes were glossy.You cleaned up your house all night long.You did your laundry,and I laid in our bed with tears running down my face because I missed you.I missed the you before your damn doctor gave you those pills.And when you came into our room that night?You opened up the window,and you said"lets listen to the police scanner,saturday night,bar closing,something must be going on".And I listened to you,your snore and that one gurgle...and then more snoring.Remember when we went camping and you puked on my kids pillow and blamed it on your dog Xena?I told him the truth after you were gone,my kid thought you were "such a nice guy"for getting him a new pillow.Little by little I started giving your stuff away,I saved your guns,but let go of many other things.I just gave them away Kyle.I couldnt take it anymore.Walking into my house only to see you everywhere.I replaced my pain with self destruction.I got a tatooe for you,and 2 years later,I covered it up with another bigger and better one and added to that....I covered a headstone up and replaced it with a huge butterfly for you...I put a heart beside it..and a key on the other side.To this day Kyle,I can not forget your face that awful morning.To this day,I can not forget how still the air was in our room,or how you felt.To this day,I can still remember how your butt looked when you walked and I can hear your laugh and see your huge blue eyes.To this day,I wake up at night walking around to make sure everyone is till breathing,to this day you are in and out of my head all day long,and when the insomnia kicks in?Theres nothing I can do that makes me not think about you.I have prescripitons still.For my PTSD,my depression...my insomnia.None of it works.I still cry and I still cant sleep and I still have every thought of you and every memory of you.You hated my glitter,I make sure that I put that on your grave....just so you can sparkle all the time as you once did in my eyes.I have found a bit of peace ,I have a loving boyfriend who tells me never to forget you,he understands my depression and always listens to me when i talk about you.He was there when we put down your dog....he cried too.Putting down Xena was a hard thing.That was your dog...your baby,your daughter,she was sick though Kyle,and I believed that it was her time to be with you.She sits on my desk now,her box has a picture of her looking at me and looking at your shrine that sits in my curio.I will never forget you,your laugh,your eyes,how our bodies would feel while they were entwined.I dont know if I ever will get better,I dont know if my heart will actually ever be put back together,or if the tears will ever stop coming at times when they shouldnt.I doubt if I will ever understand or ever accept that you are gone.What I do know,is that one day...one day,when it is my time,I will see you again,and I will hear your laugh and see your big blues eyes again,and when that time comes?I know that we will be together again,and I will never haveto go without you ever again.You had my heart and I know that you understand that I haveto let it heal and somehow move on to my life without you.You will always sparkle in my eyes,my heart and in my soul.I love you.

P.S.I kept the last message you ever left on my machine.I recorded it over and over,its in a safe place,locked with a key,sometimes,,,,,,sometimes...I just like to hear your voice and the way you told me you loved me.

This will be published in a book.It was hard,even harder reading it.

12:46 p.m. - 2009-06-10

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