Photobucket I have said to much

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The pill tree

I opened a beer because I HAD TO.No really...I did.You see,I needed the upc off the case,so I slit a beer open with the knife.I know its not noon yet but who cares.I bought a case of beer for 16 bucks with a 9 dollar rebate.So in other words,I bought a case of beer for 7 bucks.I cant beat that.I feel better now that I am medicated.Once again.I want to be normal,and if it means that I haveto pop a pill then I will.I told Hannah today that we would be making easter bunny cupcakes.Little does she know we will also be making rice krispie treats and that chex mix that people call candy mud or something.That is if I can wait for another 4 hours til she gets home.I cant go to the grocery store without buying more then needed,I fricken love grocery stores.So I guess today is bake day,although I am not baked.Yet.I want to be more involved in these kids lives.Not going to soccer games and what not...that just isnt me.But fun stuff.Like making shit and baking shit and stuff.I do feel a little yucky? when it comes to Tom.Only because he is turning sneaky,and nothing is ever his fault,and he ruins Hannahs things and gets her in trouble.He dosent listen and always tries to argue.I do believe that he is lazy and needs to take more responsibility.Maybe thats mean,but really,a kid his age should be doing more then just watching tv and not being told over and over to do the same thing.I am not picking on him,he just dosent listen.Wet towels are still left on the floor and alot of the time,he eggs the older kids on.Hannah on the other hand is is follower.She needs kids her own age to play with and not just Toms friends.She gets upset to easily when Tom goes to his friends and she cant go,and when she is playing by herself,Tom usually ruins it for her.Not all the time,but most of the time.She is upset sharing a room with him.Her being a girl,she does need her space.I feel bad for her half the time because she is the only girl out of them,and really?She can sit and play for hours by herself,until one of them comes along and bothers her.So today,we are going to bake and do this and do that.And tomorrow I will remind Hannah to get some phone numbers from school so she can have someone sleep over.Dylan on the other hand....I once give him alot of trust,I argued with Tony about him and now i am seeing that I was wrong.He is just as sneaky as i was told and I am beginning to see alot of things I didnt see before.Some days,I just dont trust him at all.I know that he goes through our stuff and I know that I have put certain things a certain way and after he leaves a room,everything is different.Its not fair to say any of this.Yet my child is not perfect either.But he is not sneaky...because I usually catch him,his anger sucks big time and if you try to talk to him...its bullshit.I love all the kids,and I am getting to know them better now.Its been almost a year.A YEAR!!And I am still happy and I still look forward to one day having Tony as my husband,although i wont tell him this.Why?Because.I dont know.Maybe because I want it all to bad,maybe because I dont feel as though I am good enough for him,maybe because I haveto learn how to love me...for me,before i can take that step and let someone love me for the rest of my life.All these things that I think?All the things that I do and say?Its only because I love to much,and I get scared.And when i get scared...I run,I havent ran yet,and I dont plan on it.I have a great family and I am proud to say this..I havent felt this good in a long time,and I want to keep it that way

11:22 a.m. - 2009-04-02

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