Photobucket I have said to much

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The roof

I almost cried at work yesterday.Not just once or twice but my whole fucking shift,and my manager asked me if I wanted today off.I am working today because well...money is money and I am fucking tired of not ever having money.I have been thinking about how maybe I should have never moved out of my apartment yet I needed to.I couldnt breathe for years in that house and needed to get out for what seemed like forever,and now that I am here....it feels at times as though I am choking for air.Choking for life and choking for everything I once had yet hated.I love Tony...Ilove what we have and I love the fact that we both want a future together,but if my kid is not happy...then I can not be.And there is no way that I can go on living this way if my child is unhappy.I know alot has to do with his age,this I do know.And he does like Tony and he does like the things we do,he just dosent like being home.Because home is where he has no privacy...no time for himself.Home is where he hasto listen to kids fighting and home is where he gets annoyed.I know my boy quite well...and I know he needs his space.And it scares the shit out of me because I just can not give him that space unless if I move back to my apartment.But if I move back...then what?I will lose everything,and I will gain my habits back.I feel fucking bad for my kid...he has no fucking dad just about,he wants things I can not give him right now,and his mind is going insane.I am not going to ignore my child or lose touch with him.And since we moved in...alot of my energy has been focused on the younger ones and making them happy and making sure that they get the things they need....kindof like my kids dad.Always making sure the other kids are taken care of before his own.So some of this is my fault,but I am going to fix it.And maybe by me trying to fix it...he will be a bit more happy in this house.

8:17 a.m. - 2009-02-17

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