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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- married life Marriage scares the shit out of me.I dont really know why either.When i was little I useto save pictures of dresses...dresses that would be my wedding dress.In time,I threw those pictures away and once in a while I would wonder wht it would be like to get married and have this married life and what not.The last time marriage came into my life was with Kyle.And who knows if it was really going to happen but either way...it never did.I told Tony the other night that I didnt want to marry him.And its not like I dont want to.I am scared shitless of something.I love Tony like I have never loved before and I wish nothing more to spend my life with him,but I think about these things and I think "why would someone wanna marry me"?And am I even capable of playing that role?My folks have been married for 30+ years...but there were times when i totally thought that they should have divorced and then there are the times that i look at them and think...wtf?My mom is so dependent on my dad and I dont want to turn into that.I would love to share my life with Tony...and I would love to grow old with him...but we are still a new couple.And theres a part of me that wants it to happen..and I dont want to wait...but then theres that part of me that needs to wait bcause I dont want to end up divorced.I am sure that I could make a good wife.Yet..I just dot know and that I think is what I am scared of.Not living up to the title.I never stuck with things anyways in my life.I change my mind like people change socks,and what if marriage dosent add up to what I think it should be?Then what? 8:45 a.m. - 2009-01-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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