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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dirty nails Christmas came and went and I was missing everyone who ever meant something in my life.Maybe because this year I didnt spend the time I have in the past with my family.I missed my heroine addicted friend like crazy and shed some tears.I thought about Kyle while i was thinking about my life now.Its hard to give up your heart when it was broke for so long.I have a hard time sometimes accepting the fact that my heart belongs to someone else now.But havent I always wanted to fall in love again and feel what needed to be felt?I have yet to go back on my medicine.And although I want to,it feels like such a burden on me while really all I am doing is being a burden for everyone else.Its all a mind game anyways.Pop a pill and you will get better.Thats what they say.Im never going to go back to what I was..how my mind worked.Kyle will always be there with me and the memories will never go away.I will always have a spot somewhere in my head that tells me I just cant be happy the way I want to be.Maybe I dont allow myself to be.But I do know that at night,when i have trouble sleeping,everything comes back to me.The feeling of that bedroom...the stale lifeless air and the cold touch of his hand.I couldnt hear Tony breathe the other night,I woke up and took 2 pills.When i woke up his son...he didnt move.I took another pill and went into work with my head disconnected from my shoulders.Theres nothing I can do.Tony dosent understand,and at times,I fake it all because I dont want him to worry.And he does worry.He worries something great and it makes it worse for me.I love him very much and hate to put him through it and by faking it...he dosent worry and really?It dosent bother me so much.I do need more alone time these days though.More alone time so i can do ...nothing.and worry about everything I guess.My mind isnt as bad as it was,but I sure do get annoyed alot and get tired easily..I give up to much nowadays.Cocktails help and if I ever get my hands on some reefer...that would be the best thing ever.And maybe thats what I need.Just to sit back and smoke one and let things wander.I would rather be high then drunk....I dont get so sad.So maybe cocktails dont help...but I do know that when they slip down my throat...it seems better.Until theres none left and I am still awake looking for a good time. 6:45 a.m. - 2008-12-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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