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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- wake up call He bought me flowers yesterday.He didnt haveto,I know that he is sorry for questioning me.But the more I think about it,the more it dosent bother me.Why?I dont stray but I do tend top fall off the wagon.And by that I mean,I get urges to go out and want to get all fucked up and stay out all night.And I cant lie to him,so by questioning me?He makes me stay in the place i want to stay.It is hard sometimes.Not to stay but not to get the hell away sometimes.Some days everyone drives me nuts and I feel trapped,other days I want nothing more then to go nuts in a house full of life.I have never been good with this life thing now have I?Ive been exhausted lately.I know whats happening.The weather is getting cooler and my head spins.I remember things I dont want to remember and I forget the things that I shouldnt.Im thinking of taking the meds again only because Im getting scared.Im waking up at night again,walking around the cold house,breathing in ...breathing out,making sure everyone is alive,making sure the reaper isnt standing at the door waiting to get in.I feel like I am going nuts when this happens.I hide it well.I haveto hide it.Work right now is my getaway.I get a high when I go into work because there is no time to stop and think.Stop and remember.Stop and forget.My nerves are shot right now and I need more time by myself when this happens but I dont want to leave Tony out in the dust to deal with the house by himself.Then again,I cant struggle everyday as i did in the past.Tomorrow I start spending more time at the gym,to clear my head and get the things out that need to get out.None of this is fair to the house.None of its fair to the kids..to Tony,or to myself.I am sure getting tired of it more and more each year and it puts my depression in full force and really?Whats around me,and the happiness and the smiles?I have no reason to be depressed.So the pills just might be a good thing.But before I do that?Lets see how far it goes. 8:59 a.m. - 2008-10-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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