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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- fix me Yesterday I watched the planes take off from the airport and thought how badly I wished I could be on one of those damn things.Theres something about flying...theres something about the clouds and theres something about being that high and having a sense of freedom that gets me each time.I could spend all day watching those things take off.It makes me want to go see if I could get my job back.Yet,I had a few issues with that too now didnt I?I have been running my whole life.Running to escape whatever has been chasing me.I remember a time when I was quite young and I got pissed off at my mom so I left the house and stood beside the house.In the snow,with bare feet...pouting.I remember all the times I ran away,all the times I left during arguments,all the times I just didnt want to face what was in front of me.I remember the times dear old Josh was concerned about me and we would make plans to talk about what I was doing to myself,I of course would make plans to go somewhere.On a small over night trip...on a plane..anywhere.Just so when I came back in...we couldnt talk about me,I would talk about my trip.To where ever.There were times when I didnt run.There were times when I would escape by writing,by placing words where ever they fit.Yesterday,as I watched those planes take off,I thought about all of these things and how I still try to run but how it just dosent work anymore.And it takes some getting use to.Our computer sits in front of a window.And if you look out this window,you see a corn field and if you get up early enough,you see the sun rise.I have seen the sun rise almost every day.This is something I would have never seen while I was running.I have lived a fast life for a long time.Always going...always doing something.Always running.It feels good to stay home on a night off and be with the ones I wish not to run from.It feels good to have someone not want you to run.And it feels good not to want to run.Dear old Josh was a connection I knew I had to let go quite some time ago if I ever wanted to move on.I was always running from Josh,and he was one of the greatest friends you could have ever had.But he had a connection with my past and I had one with his,and I was always running from him to get away from my past and never giving myself to heal.Its been 3 months since I last had contact with him.Its been a while since I had any contact with any of my friends.And I dont think its a bad thing anymore.Its done me some good.I ran to get drunk...I ran to get stoned.I ran to get away and I ran to forget.I dont need to do that anymore.What I have in front of me is what I ran from.I found boyfriends who would treat me like crap so I wouldnt haveto feel good.I found groups of friends that numbed themselves as I would just so we wouldnt haveto deal with our life.I have ran to get away from a life I never had but wanted.And now?I still try to run...but im always stopped,and thats what I need.I have never been stopped from running until now,and although I get mad because I cant run...its all I have done.And I am honestly...quite tired of it.More and more I open up and more and more I enjoy things better.I ran from falling in love,and when I couldnt run anymore...I fell hard.And theres no way that I would ever put on those running shoes again and start back up.I got to the finish line...and I think I won. 8:41 a.m. - 2008-08-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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