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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Free me So Vern was coming into town.Vern also didnt realize that I had a boyfriend...so Tony gets all weird and Vern says that he may not be able to get on a plane.Due to the whole stand by deal and stuff.I could care less.Maybe all Vern wanted was a piece of ass...which wasnt going to happen anyway.Fuck him.This moving in thing is maybe to soon for me.Tony says he loves me...that he is SO IN LOVE with me.But I do miss my old life.I wasent supposed to change.I wasent the one that was suppose to "calm" down.He was suppose to lighten up,and I feel a bit trapped. I have GIVEN up my whole life.Cold turkey.Not little by little.AN I miss hanging out with my friends.I miss being able to have drinks after work.I miss just being able to do what I want to do.This is a big change for me.This change is taking its toll.Ilove him.I want to spend forever with this guy but...I also want to be able to live my own life and not just the life he expects me to live.And I dont eve know if thats how he feels.I just know his feelings of hanging out with people and hanging out without him,and I am feeling a bit lonely these days because all that I do,is for him.I have given up my whole life,to sit and do nothing.To not be me anymore.I like to go out.I like to have cocktails after work,I like to be social.And I am not being mean,but for fucks sake..when did I ride my bike with my crew this summer?When have I done anything?When is there time for my life?When is there time for me to do what I need to do?I am happy with him.I am,but I just cant give up everything and I feel as though I haveto.I miss hanging out with friends,I miss getting stupid stoned and coming up with ideas that will never happen.I miss feeling young.I miss having a social life.I miss things.I fucking miss things and maybe this woudnt have happened if I didnt quit cold turkey but I did..and sometimes I cant even tell him why I didnt blog.I cant blog when I am not left alone and I have been alone for most of my life and I have been able to sit and free my mind.I havent been able to here.Living with him.Hannah ..who I love to death strives on our converstaions and I do love it,but dang it...when these kids dont go to bed until we do?Where is there time for me to free my mind?And he wants to be near me and I totally want to be near him,but I just never had it and I just cant get use to it.Ijust dont know what to do about anything without ruining what we have,I do want to go out..I do want to hang out with my friends.I do want to do everything but I just feel as tough it would cause problems.So I sit and I do nothing and I deal with it and I miss everything,and I shouldnt haveto do this...I am happy now....right? 10:51 p.m. - 2008-07-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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