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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- rotten apple I have been getting overwhelmed lately.Not just overwhelmed...but OVERWHELMED.I have a guy in my life that is totally IT.He is the one that I deserve.That I have been wanting.It was wrong of me the other night to feel the way I did.I shouldnt have felt like going to the bar instad of the game.His kids like me.It just came all at once.I have little money these days.And here he is ...talking abut painting and birthdy presents and getting this and getting that.And so we go to Toys-R-Us,an we got to Menards,and he spends like 200 bucks and I spend....nothing.Im coming from a life where the extra money I had...was spent on booze and stuff I didnt need.Im coming from a life where I cant go out and just buy things.A life where there were no games and no one buying me shit,or helping me out.A life where there were no choices to make because they were made for me.And sitting at that game?I wanted to cry.I just wanted to get fucking drunk and not care about things.I felt as though I was stupid sitting there watching something I know nothing about.I felt dumb as hell not being able to pitch in for the paint and what not.I just felt dumb.Like a stupid bitch.I dont make money.I cant just"buy"things.It was all to much for me.So i didnt eat that day and I got drunk.And I really wanted to smoke some fucking pot and just be in MY world.I am giving up alot of things to have this life that I have always wanted.And I miss my friends and I miss hanging out.And I miss lauging over drunken stupidness with them.And I dont think that his life has changed to much and I just feel as though I am soppouse to give up all these things to make me better,but I really wasent that bad.I understand that I can not come home at 6 n the morning all the time,or that I cant just "take off"anymore.But is it so wrong to hang out once in a while and maybe not worry about the time and just let loose and have fun?I know and I realize that I need to change a couple of things,but my life has changed so much and so fast that when it hit me?It hit me.And I could have left in my car abnd got stoned and drove around and thought about things,but I couldnt do that.And thats what I needed to do..because that is one part of my life that I can not change.Not running away...but just being able to go and free my mind.I havent been able to do that...and its time. 7:19 a.m. - 2008-07-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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