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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- life was a dream Drunk with words I told him that I loved him.I struggled as I said those diseased words,in fear of fear itself.How I feel about him is just that.I love this guy.He makes me the happiest I have ever been and I get confused sometimes with my feelings only because I have thought that I loved in the past.And maybe I did.I loved Kyle.We had something that I never had at the time.I felt certain feelings with him and we did plan on a future together.But with this guy?With Tony?I didnt feel this with Kyle.This is something so much more and because of these feelings,i makes me heal a bit from Kyle which is what I needed to do.I had such a hard time getting past his death and being stuck with this bull shit post traumatic stress syndrome,and I realize that its never going to go away,but I sure dont have so many issues anymore.I dont have the nightmares,I dont worry so much anymore and I feel so much more alive.I dont take my medication and really dont think I need it anymore.Tony means the world to me.And sometimes it is hard because I am so use to getting yelled at or having someone get frustrated with me but , the more time we spend together and are with each other...everything feels so much easier.We had a conversation the other night about the fat fucker.He says that it does bother him....all this bullshit text messaging and what not.And I understand.I just wish he could understand how much I can not stand him.How much I wish I could bash his fucking head in.For almost a whole year I sat in silence,and I allowed the fatty to treat me like shit,and I allowed him to tell me what I can do and what I couldnt do.I allowed him to steal from me,to sell drugs out of my house,to completely ruin everything I ever believed in.He asked me how we had sex with him being so big,I dont think he realizes that I had not gotten laid for quite some time,and when I did?It wasent the big guy.And the issue came up with how we started seeing each other shortly after the very last incident happened.I dated a couple of people in the past year,fatty never knew because he didnt need to know.None of these people that I dated ever was at my house,they just werent that important to me.Fat fucker showered at my house,he left his clothes at my house,he ate my food.I just couldnt stop him.When I tried to have people over,he would ruin it and start the name calling and breaking shit.I told a few people that the right moment had to come in order for me to stick up for myself and end his ways.I was done for such a long time and that was why I started dating people and what not.I wasent looking for anything when Tony came into my life.I kindof wanted to get my life on track and take care of the big mexican with no one ever knowing that he was ever a part of my life.And I will admit that I was scared when Tony and I started seeing each other.I didnt want his brother to say anything to him or his sister in law about anything that I went through or anything that I talked about because I did not want this guy to think of me as I wasent.I did not want this guy to think that I was on the re bound or anything like that.I didnt want Tony involved in any part of my drama.Of course,little by little things had to be said,things had to be told.And I am glad that I said all I did to him.I do think that the fat fucker is done with banging on my door,and I do believe that he will stop texting me in time.I stay away from any place he could be at and I dont mind staying away but I refuse to let him ruin what I have going for me.I do refuse to let him talk to me,and if he wants to go kill himself once again.....I wont refuse him the gun.I love Tony with all I have and maybe its not all that much and maybe I dont have this wonderful job and all these things and maybe I dont have really super cool plans for my life,but its what I have and I am happy with my life right now,I love my expanded family and not one thing can take that away from me.This guy has helped me in every way possible just by looking at me and showing me and telling me that I am far better then what I think.So this whole big mexican shit?Fuck him and fuck his bi-polar ways and his drugs and everything he is made of.I knew I deserved alot better a long time ago,I just had to realize that someone could care about me just the way I am.
1:15 p.m. - 2008-06-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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