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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- right in time
Isnt it funny how one day you know yourself as"that"person and the next day you know yourself as "this"person?I read alot of my things.I go through my journals and my notebooks and all my little scraps of paper in my desk..I love words.I love writing and putting words into stories.I love writing and putting words into feelings.I have always done it and I doubt if I will ever change that.I know I can be good at it...and its one of the only things I know that I am good at.It is truthfully the only thing I know I am good at.There was a time not to long ago that I had plans.Plans of getting up and leaving.Plans of living my life to its fullest.Plans of experiencing all I could experience.I once wanted to become a criminal psychologist,those days are long gone.I wanted to join the Navy and the Peace Corps and I wanted to do all these things.I wanted to become a journalist for National Geographic.And I wanted to swing from tree to tree with the monkeys and see all these beautiful things and capture those beautiful things in the form of words.Not to long ago...these plans of mine were so important to me.I wanted these plans to work..I wanted to leave and get away from everything I have ever known and meet REAL people and do things that no one has ever thought I could or would do.Not to long ago...I decided that these plans of mine?These plans that were so damn important to me?They really arent so important anymore.Where I am now,I want to be in in 4 years...where I am now? I want to stay.Oh sure..the boy will be legally an adult and I could hop in my car and drive as I once wanted to.I could see the world and all its beauty.I now realize that there is beauty right in front of my very own eyes.I have something so spectacular in my life that I dont want the things I once thought I needed. I have never let anyone into my "world"as much as I have been.I have never shared my words as much as I have been...this sharing/This sharing that I have been doing?Makes everything seem so less stressful...so much more then what life was.I have built walls my whole life.I have continued to build those walls each time I had a rough time,each time something bothered me...each time something went wrong.In the past I have felt as though I couldnt escape anything...nothing would get better and everything...just...fucking...sucked.Im letting those walls down and it feels wonderful.Maybe I never wanted to before..maybe I never had the chance,maybe no one gave me the chance,maybe I just didnt know how.I have shared certain things with Josh,I have shared certain things with Amanda,I have shared selective things with certain people..yet I never shared my words.I always kept these words behind my walls and where ever else I would put them and hide them for safe keeping.I have always felt safe knowing that my words were safe.I no longer wish to keep them safe in my hiding spots.I no longer wish to keep building walls.I no longer wish to keep these words to myself.I have been missing something my whole life,I have been running my whole life....and I have realized that I have been running from my own self...from my words from my feelings.And all I have been missing is allowing someone to share my words with me.I dont feel as though I have to escape anything.I no longer need to hop in my car and go.Beauty is all around me...and those walls?Will never hide that from me again. 12:43 p.m. - 2008-06-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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