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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Another heart I have had it with this fat fucker.Not only am I allowing him to stress me out but I am much to afraid to tell Tony what goes on because I am scared.Scared of losing this guy.Scared of not being able to continue what I have with him.Once again...I get a call.I cant do this anymore.I can not let his ways get to me and I know this..yet once I hear his voice I freeze up.I am so afraid of him that I shake when I haveto talk to him.I am ruining my relationship because I am afraid to say what needs to be said I am afraid that Tony may just say fuck it and walk away.I have never had any one in my life that wanted to be apart of it.I have never had anyone that really ever cared enough to care.And so now here i sit.....I sit and I wait for some fucking miracle to happen and make it all right.I dont know how.I have never had to know how.I cant even fucking make decisions for myself because I never was allowed to.I mean..Kyle was great...good boyfriend...great person..but he wasent Tony.This guy?This guy Tony?I melt.I have fallen so in love with this guy that I can not stay away from him.Yet we all have our downfalls.....and mine?Is just this.Not wanting to be alone but being alone because I dont think that he wants to help..that he wants to really be a part.Theres my downfall.Yet heres this guy that looks at me like I have never been looked at.I dont know if Ihave ever been in love before.I know that I have felt like I was in love...I know that I have felt ass though I was in love before..but I have ever really been?This guy?He does it all for me.He listens...he touches..he talks..he cares.And the way he looks at me?I love it.I love every minute I spend with him.I love every minute that my mind works because of him.I love everything about this person.And I so haveto get over my fear of losing him.I have never thought that I could feel this way.I always felt so guilty if I felt a certain way.In a way I didnt want to disrespect Kyle...he understands the whole Kyle thing.He is the only person that I ever opened up about Kyle..and itmakes me feel great.I put my heart on hold for such a long time that I do think it has had enough time to heal.....to heal in a healthy way.I dont ever want to be without this guy.I dont ever want things to change.I dont ever want to hurt him by not telling him things and I will change the way I communicate because for the first time in my life......I have someone that listens...for the first time in my life I have someone who wants to listen.This guy has taken my heart and he has slowly taken the band aids off..and for the first time in my life...this guy has taken the time to slowly kiss the wounds away and make me feel alive,this guy?This guy that I write so much about?This guy has my heart....and its all his.So why dont I say "I love you"? 12:22 a.m. - 2008-06-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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