Photobucket I have said to much

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hating the rage

He is a human fucking rat.I hate him.I hate him so much that I hate myself because I hate him.I shouldve lived,I shouldve learned,but I DIDNT.I didnt because I thought things were different.And he knew what he was doing,he is just like the others.Suck me into this world that I so want and need.Get me where you want me,and its all fine hey?Its not this time....this time there is RAGE.This time there is HATE.And I hate him for sucking me in.I hate him for allowing me to let him suck me in.I really thought that this was different.Its not.Its all the same.I was nothing but honest with himand I hate him for allowing myself to be honest.Especially with him.There was never a reason to be honest with him.There was never a reason to feel the way i feel.I was SUCKED the fuck in and I am done.I am tired and I am done.I am not here to be someones booty call,a drunk friend,I have FUCKING FEELINGS,and they are real and I shared them with him,and he took them and twisted them into his thing,and I allowed him.Yet my heart melts when I think of him and I even hate him for that.I hate people.I have hated everyone for the longest time and I thought that I could never hate him,but I do.After all,I am to FAT to be with him.Oh and I so wished I wouldve told him my background.You wanna see me feeling fat...well guess what fucker...my whole life I dealt with it.I have been bulmic,and yes I had the help,I was in a hospital,and I have starved myself,and refused to go into treatment and then I became FINE.I accept myself,but you couldnt.Instead you told me that I was fat and could get me a free gym membership,you told me how you only went with skinny girls,well guess what...HOW THE FUCK DOES IT FEEL TO BE DIFFERENT?

**I am small and the world is big**


How the fuck does it feel?OH geez,you wouldnt know...after all skinny is what is in,fuck you...FUCK YOU.I have been okay with myself since you said that and you hurt me and I HATE you for hurting me,I so HATE you.Yea,you have no clue what I have done in my life.You have no clue that maybe just maybe I tried to get off certain things,certain pills,I wanna feel okay about myself yet you put me down to a level where I havent been in a while and I hate you.I hate you for making me like you,I hate you for making me smile,I hate you for making me feel secure,I hate you for every fucking reason I could.I HATE YOU.


**You were just pretending**

And I starve myself FOR YOU.I want a happy ending,so I do this bullshit for you.And its hard.Its hard cause thats how it useto be with me.I could go days without eating,I looked good,I looked unhealthy,but its okay right?Its okay to feel like this cause after all I do it for you.Ask me how I feel,and I would tell you that I feel broken.I feel empty,its alright though,as long as you have that stupid skinny bitch right?I hate you.I hate you so much.I have felt so okay for such a long time and now I know what type of person you are and you know what....you are UNHAPPY.You are an unhappy person,no one can ever make you happy and guess what,I sure the fuck wont be sitting there waiting for you.I wont wait,I wont do things I dont want to do for YOU.I will starve myself for myself,not for you,and you know,when I am at your so called "weight",I will NOT be there.I will not sit and wait for you.I will not do shit,cause thats what you are...SHIT.

**Have you forgotten?**

And its funny how we could have the conversations we had.FUCK HIM.He got what he wanted and needed,and I hate him for it.I hate him for bringing me into a good world and taking me out of my own.I hate him.He was nothing but another Tony,knowing how to talk,knowing what to say,knowing how to get me to sleep with him.I HATE HIM.

2:52 p.m. - 2004-11-08

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