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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lets feel alright He told me that he was sick,and I believed him...why wouldnt I?Its just this"time"anyways,I left a voicemail for him and he called me back .We didnt talk about to much.He asked me if I was staying home tonight,I told him I was,I lied.I only went to have a couple of beers with the folks,and now here I sit.He dosent want kids,I know this very well.And its okay to me.Maybe I can have something without having it all. **I turned around,and saw you** I asked him to go to my concert with me,which is REALLY rude since Josh bought the tickets and Josh is theone that loves me,but I know I cant go with Josh.I already gave him to many memories of me,to many good times,to many bad times.And those are the things that make a person up.Memories.You lived them,you have learned from them,only he has yet to learn from them.And maybe I have yet to learn from some of mine.But I haveto learn on my own,and cant have someone telling me this.I know Josh is quite pissed about me and him.I am not stupid,he is pissed at the Tadd thing too.I cant have that,I dont need that.I never wanted it.And I went to long of a time not having it,I dont want that shit anymore.I never did,but I had it,and hated it,and I hate it with him too. **Half ass smile* I am so happy about Tadd being my friend again,and Krista.She even called me today.I feel like a million bucks.I have people that are actually wanting to hang out with me,to talk to me.That care,Amanda is weird about things like that.She never wants to "hear" it,then again,I got that way with her too.Tired of the same old shit.I dont know,whatever.I love her to death,but she is a hard one to deal with,she is a hard one to talk to,but I will admit,she is one of my very best friends.I only want a couple.A couple of friends that you can talk shit to,even if its about the same old shit,and I wasent there for Amanda after a while,and that makes me into a sucky friend,and that sucks even knowing that.I did share something with her last night about Josh.She told me to be careful,and I had to agree.He does scare me sometimes.He tends to look like he is going to flip,something about his eyes that I have noticed,and his eyes scare me sometimes,and that cant be a good sign.But I look past it and do what I need to do so I dont leave our so called friendship,and I do this only to hold on,hold on to my past,which I need to give up.And I think by noticing his eyes,the look in them,I think I just might have given it all up.
This guy at work asked me if I was married,I said no,he asked me about a boyfriend,I said no.I told him that I was TRYING to see someone,but ...then I told him about Kyle,and told him how I wanted to try to see people and that I havent since Kyle went away.He coulnt belive how I talked about it.How I told him that I laid next to him for 4 hours before even knowing that he was gone,I told him that I knew when I touched him and paused.I told him I knew because of how the room felt and he just couldnt believe that I was telling him it all so casually.I told him that it has been almost 2 years and I have so struggled for those 2 years,and I just cant do it anymore,and this is why I am TRYING to see someone. *Will I ever be Free* He asked me about this"someone",asked me if he knew,I told him yes,I told him that he asked me how I felt about it,and I told him.And that so far all has been okay.That its working out,and that I dont haveto struggle with any of it.I told him that I didnt haveto struggle because of how he makes me feel,how he talks to me,how he listens,and this guy,he thought it was so cool that I could talk so openly about it. *I cant try to Pretend* Its funny how I got scared when we did the deed.He gives me much more then just that,and I think thats why I got scared.I pretty much know that anything that is to good...never lasts.But I really never got to scared befroe.I did with Kyle,but it was just like this kindof.Never really knowing about anything,about anything that is going on with an us,but just accepting what is there anyways.I never accepted it from Josh,I pretty much knew right away what he would turn it all into,Mark was weird though,I shared alot with Mark but when it came down to people wanting to be with me,I couldnt.I wouldnt allow that to happen.I didnt WANT it.Not with them.He is really different.He is understandable.I think that if things dont turn out for us,we would still talk,because we ENJOY each others company,we always have shit to say,to each other about nothing.And he actually talks,I am never the ONLY one who talks.We share ideas,opinons,life stories,we talk.Wre dont just get fucked up and be stupid,we actually talk and have a pretty damn conversation all the time.He is not afraid,and with him,neither am I . 8:24 p.m. - 2004-11-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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