Photobucket I have said to much

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I cant leave you yet

I got scared this morning,I got so scared.I saw the Sears van and I lost it,I came home only to cry.I knew I wasent ready to leave,I cant just yet,its not time.I have been here for 3 years now,and maybe I am not intresting anymore,maybe I dont pour my heart out like I useto,but today,today when I
had said I didnt belong here,I knew I was lying.This is the only place I belong.I cried this morning,I cried and I talked to I guess myself,what did I say the other day?That I felt I was okay but I couldnt do it becauseI knew I wasent okay.And it always happens like that.Just when I feel it,it goes away.What comes,goes oh so very fast.I took a zoloft this morning,I think its time to stay on them,even if its fake happiness.I would perfer to have the fake then not having any at all.I thought about how I have felt since my life stopped,and I know I tend to latch on to people.Look at Tony,geez,he made me feel okay,he made me feel beautiful,he made me feel WANTED.Josh made me feel WANTED.Now I have moved on to Mike,although I think Mike is different,theres not alot there yet theres so much there.I am not looking for what could be,I am looking for what is.I dont know if I can ever have a "real"relationship.I havent really tried yet,but I have wanted and I think thats a problem,cause it never seems to work out.I dont know what I am doing half the time.I dont know why I allow myself to have feelings like I do or make the feelings I want suddenly appear,I dont know if I want to get married anymore,I dont know if I ever want to have another kid again.I know I want to feel WANTED though,and really anyone can give that to me,and because it never seems to work out,I know I need more,I just cant seem to allow it to happen.I am afraid.I am scared.I know that I had EVERYTHING,and wound up with NOTHING.And what happens if I could have EVERYTHING again?Would I wind up with NOTHING again?It seems as though everytime I think my life is getting back together it just falls apart again,but worse.It gets worse each time I notice that its getting better.I am scared of my life getting better.I am scared of trying to make it better.I am scared of living again.Scared that I might forget how I once lived,scared to know that I am living.And what happy thoughts do the dead have?The only thoughts I have that are happy,are the ones when I was living.

5:19 p.m. - 2004-10-25

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