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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- let me fucking learn!!! I feel the greatest need tonight,just to get drunk,to get totally drunk.I feel the need to be this sad drunk,someone who could have everything but chooses nothing.And its funny how when you need someone to talk to so bad..there is no one there.Its funny how people will im you,only wanting to want you,but just not know you,its funny how no one really wants to hear reality.How no one just wants to listen unless if it is about fucking them or flirting with them...talking dirty whatever.Its funny when you mention that your having a bad fucking day that all of a sudden they want nothing to do with you,not unless if you are going to ghet them off.Fuck all you people.Fuck all of you for not wanting ME.Fuck all of you for not wanting to know ME.Fuck all of you.I ahve no time for you,I have no time for your kind,your type. **Keep Me In Your Heart** I have been writing non stop tonight in my notebook.I went through this thing,this thing I cant leave,this thing I wish I could leave,and when I left,my mind was going crazy.I needed to write,I needed to put the things I was thinking,down in front of me just to look back at them and see where I am at.Is it pretty,not really.I really dont care.Like I said,I feel the greatest need to be drunk and sad right now.I even put Ty to bed early just so I am not bothered,so I can go through my fits of rage,my little tantrums.I had one last night.I couldnt sleep,I was mad that I couldnt sleep.And I punched my pillow,I grabbed it and cried in it,and my legs were going crazy,and I was pulling at my hair,and I was out of control.Kyles birthday is coming and maybe this is why I am feeling these rages.These feeling of pure helplessness.This feeling of pure hell.When will it end?Will it ever? **do you HEAR me?** I thought about how none of my bullshit wouldve happened if he was here.I think about how it would be back to normal.None of this battling of friendship with Josh,my confusion with love,my dreams at night,none of this bullshit.But its here.And thats bullshit as well.It wasent soppouse to go this way for me,or for anyone that I have hurt.It wasent soppouse to be this way.Life wasent soppouse to be this way.Living wasent soppouse to be this way.If this is really living. 8:25 p.m. - 2004-10-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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