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I bought cigarettes

**It was all left unsaid**

Its odd how you can look at someone and think"god,this is the greatest person ever",only to look away for a moment and figure out that they werent so great.I hate him for leaving me to haveto build walls,for leaving me alone to not share my thoughts anymore.For not understanding.But in a sense,I really dont care.I was there once before.I useto have huge walls,I useto leave everything inside my head,I useto not really care if things werent said,if things werent told.I useto share things with people that wanted to listen,that wanted to understand.I useto share everything,Iuseto share nothing.Its been like this for a long time and I really dont think I care to much that I no longer have that.Because I still have something.I still have something.

++++++Stitch+Me+Up++++++++

And I am like that egg on the zoloft commerical,that ball..whatever he is.Always up and down.Always almost getting to that point.I had a conversation with a friend last night about things like that.The things that matter.The things that are important to people.It makes me think of people looking for something.You cant.You cant just look for something,it just wont be there if you do.Things have always been there,those certain things have always been there in me,I just always looked for them,and I never needed them when I did look.I stopped looking when I stopped caring.And then i realized I really didnt stop caring,I just stopped wanting to care.I doubt if any of that makes sense at all.But to me,it does,others would be confused.Do I really care?I dont know.Josh told me that my email was confusing.To me,it was all I felt.Things I feel arent confusing to me,to him,it was,maybe he never understood in the first place.Maybe he just acted like he did,because he was looking for something,and I never was,I was feeling things and telling him how I was feeling.Telling him every damn week what I was going through and how I was trying to help myself by doing this and that,yet when he came back and thought that I was looking for that"something",everything was stupid,my spirtuality was dumb,my thoughts were confusing,my feelings werent understood,all because I wasent looking,but he was.

~You find poison at the end~

I wont dwell on the friendship being gone,I wont dwell because maybe the friendship wasent worth it.It seems like it wasent now.I couldnt even share my thoughts about Kyle to him.He had no clue that half the time when i went to his house that I was with Kyle before.He had no clue and I never told him.I never told him anything,and its funny that I once did.Yea,theres no way we can be friends for life.He would never understand,he would never want to.He wouldnt let me live.

2:15 p.m. - 2004-10-22

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