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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I would look happier And I love Kyle so damn much yet,Josh dosent deserve any of this,I cant get my shit all together.Josh was such an awesome friend,I just cant love him like he deserves.His best friend has my heart,and he needs to understand that Kyle deserved what I gave him,and I deserved what Kyle gave me,Kyle was my SOUL MATE.I felt it,I know it,I dont belive in having another one,so why even bother.And Im sorry?Im sorry that I love Kyle so fucking much?Im not.He taught me how to love again.It hurts to love as much as I love him.And it dosent help that Josh cant be my friend when I need him to be.I cant love again.NOBODY UNDERSTANDS.I need help.I need help with this shit.Why can I sit here by myself and cry my eyes out and write what I feel,but cant do it face to face?. I watched people come next door to my house,picking through the garbage,which is out 2 days early,I sat and I watched these people and I really didnt know what to think,but when I actually started to think,I was sad,because that person,that was picking through the garbage actually can be me.Im lucky.I have cheap rent,no bills really,and I can be late,cuz my folks would understand,people dont have that.If I didnt have waht I have,I would be that person.He was like that,its funny cause I never was really like that until him.I needed all this brand new shit and bla,bla,you dont need all that,what you need is happiness and you dont NEED the brand new shit,you dont NEED things,you have what you want,happiness.So here I am ,watching these people just drive up and look through my neighbors garbage,although I felt sad,I also was happy for them.I dont know why,but i cried for 2 of them,and old black guy and a younger white guy,both meant something to me. **Close My Door** I want him.I want my pain to be done with.I useto want to rewind time,I want to fast forward it now.I cant deal with how much I hurt,how much I fucking feel,I need it to be over with,but I haveto wait til Tyler is okay.I need to fast forward.I miss him so much,and I know I should be over it but I cant be.I have tried and nothing works.I hate myself so much for letting it happen.Damn it,I FELT it,I FELT it one day before.I wish I couldve helped.I had the signs right in front of me.No one can understand how much I did not deserve that.We deserved each other.I just want to fucking fast forward my life 7:50 p.m. - 2004-10-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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