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I do not need you

I am set at being alone.Ste at helping myself,set at doing the things I need i order to get myself together.As for Josh,he should go on and do what he wants,fucking travel,go to school,go do something.The friendship needs to be rebulit for us,it needs to be started over,it needs something and whatever that something is,I cant figure it out right now and I wont.I just dont care.Im miserable.Everyday I struggle just to fucking breathe and I cant do it anymore,and if I haveto do it then i want to do it by myself.

*Pocket Full Of Sunshine*

I want it back like how it was.When I accepted that I was uhappy,where I sat and got fucked up every night and did things.I did things.I sat and decroted my window,I started a notebook,I would come up with all these ideas to express myself and now I have nothing.Now I get fucked up and go to bed.I dont enjoy my bad habits anymore.I dont even enjoy getting stoned because all I do is sit and want to go to bed.But today its changing,today I am going to have a fun time.Tonight when I go out,im back to where I once was,and no I wasent happy,but at lease I had a good time being unhappy.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My sexuality is a big issue when it comes to certain people.I think that is why I had it so good with Kyle.Josh has already told me that he wouldnt want me with a girl.And okay,yea,I accept that.Its not that big of a deal,but maybe I would need it every once in a while,then what?I go without?Am I willing to give it up for the rest of my life?And even though its not like I have ever really had a girlfriend,I still would want to do something that I would need.More and more people are starting to know that about me,and the more they know,the more I relaize that these people who could care less...are my friends,and I haveto give that to Amanda.Her and I have been through some shit,alot of shit,and somehow we have always remained to be friends,we have always trusted each other with certain things and I give that to Nick to.I talked to them both tons of times and I could and would never say certain things to either of them that they have said to me.And now that I think about it,they have always been there for me and accepted me.

~~Ive become a bore~~

Im going back on my diet deal,not just THE DIET,but the pills as well.I have some yet left over from all the other times,only problem is that they are all different,and they are in my med bottles,but I think i need to start something soon.I dont have the extra money to go and buy some now,but I can at lease start on the ones I have.I dont know,I just want to be fucking happy being unhappy.

5:08 p.m. - 2004-10-08

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