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helpful thoughts

Josh spent the night last night,we watched a couple of movies,he left pissed off this morning.Maybe because I told him last night that I have a bad period,and maybe he thought that this morning,it wouldnt be bad.Or maybe he thought that he could still get some fucking action.I slept for about an hour last night,this morning,whatever.I got up around 2 and sat in my living room and smoked,Josh asked me what I was doing.Kindof like I am soppouse to just lay in bed and do nothing.This morning it was kindof the same thing,I looked at the clock and said how it was almost 9,and he flipped out,telling me he got the hint and bla,bla.He continued to tell me how I lay in bed til noon.Yea,maybe I do on some days,but today I had shit to do,I had alot of shit to do,and I got most of it done.All because I guess I gace him the "hint".

~Full Of Broken Thoughts~

I thought about a million things last night.I thought about how I have good insurance now,and how I really need to get my big ass into some sort of counsling.How I need to start living normally again,how I want to start thinking normally again.And I cant do it on my own,I need the help.I thought about going on that show"starting over"and how I want a life coach,how I want certain things to change.And then I thought about how I clam up when asked certain things,I thought about how I never really tell anyone what is really going on in my head.And I thought that if I went to a counsler,and opened up,that I would break,I would be uncontrolable,how I might not be able to stop.I sat there and thought that if I did these things that I was thinking about,maybe I wouldnt be such a mess when I am by myself.Maybe I wouldnt pound on my legs,pull at my hair,maybe I wouldnt cry myself to sleep as often.Maybe that certain person,that counsler,could help me,maybe they could teach me how to open up.

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We watched House of Sand and Fog last night,and there is a part in it where he tells her that he married his best friend and that is sort of why he is not happy,and I didnt feel right sitting there next to Josh,knowing that he feels one way and I feel another.I didnt feel okay watching that part with him,I have said it before,and I feel the same way.I lost my best friend,and gained a boyfriend,something I wasent ready for,something I didnt want or need.And now its all fucked up

12:20 p.m. - 2004-10-05

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