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Here I am

~~When I Close My Eyes~~

I had a dream the other night,about a gray rose.I walked into this cabin like house,all there was in it was a old falling apart wooden table with this single gray rose on it.And everything was in color until I saw this rose,and then there was something about a witch or witches and I woke up...kindof scared and kindof confused.Its bothered me ever sinc.I want to know what it all meant,and I belive dreams mean something,they tell you something
either about the past, present or future
And I cant seem to figure any of it out,and its been driving me nuts,its all I have been thinking about.

**Your Different From Me**

Josh brought up my pictures of Kyle that I have in my house.Said something like"well you have like 12 of them".I dont get rid of the things I love.My house is full of Fairies...why?Cause I love em,I dont try to get rid of my memories,yet i try not to live off of them either,sometimes that happens.Its something I just cant help.I dont know if the pictures bother him or not,he has never said anything to me about them really.Maybe because he feels like it could be wrong if he said something to me about them.Maybe he would feel guilty about it.I dont know,and I wont know because I wont ask.And I wont ask because I wont change any of it.Things for me wont ever be the same,as for him too,but with me...I love Kyle,and it wont ever go away,can I love someone else?I dont know.I havent even wanted to try yet.There was once or twice that I thought maybe I could love,but it didnt work,my heart belongs to Kyle,and I think that even if I tried to get it back,it would be worse for me.Daily living would be worse,breathing would get harder,and smiling would no longer exsit.

**Brand New Day**

I woke up today to cry.There was no reason to either,it just came on as a surprise,the other night,I cried,and cried,I laid in bed and clawed at my blanket,I pressed my pillow so hard over my head to try to hold it all in.And I dont know what I was holding in,or why,but I couldnt control myself.I tried to get up and wash my face,I tried to take deep breaths,and nothing worked,it just kept coming,and I have been noticing that I have been doing that more and more.These outburts,these never ending surprises I have been giving myself.

++I dont want to fall to pieces++

Im tired.Tired of the surprises,tired of the unhappiness.Just tired.Tired of not living.Tired of being dead.I dont know why this started up again.I dont no why I have had this time machine come creep up on me and put me where I useto be.And if I go to my doctor and actually tell him the TRUTH,I would be put away..theres no doubt.There is not a doubt in my head that if I go to him and tell him how I am,how my thoughts are,he would tell me that the guys in white are coming.And I know I need those guys to come.I know that I need the help,I want the help,but I have things to worry about.If I got the help,people would know.People would know the truth,and then they would always be wondering if I am faking it or not.

^+^ You Can Always Find Me^+^

I have awful thoughts about myself.If someone asked me what I disliked the most about myself,I wouldnt know just ONE to tell them.And this gets me to think,maybe I should just list everything,maybe I need to make a list so I can look at it,and see if I have forgotten something,and as days,weeks,months,maybe even years pass on,I would add to it,and I bet,I bet that the day I die,there would be nothing left to put on that list.

9:44 a.m. - 2004-10-01

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