Photobucket I have said to much

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commotion of the ending

Josh rang my door bell like a mad man at 3:30 this morning.Being the way I am,I woke up hearing all this,and freaked out.I had just fallen back to sleep,heard all this buzzing,had no clue what it was,since NO ONE rings my doorbell,especially at 3:30 in the morning,so I turned off my light,got the dogs in bed with me and just laid there as still as I could be.Until I got up enough nerve to walk as quietly as I could to look out the window,when I realized it was him,so asked him what he was doing,let him in,he asked me what all the commotion was about,and how he just called me from down the block and how I was just up.I told him that I was up,that I was on my computer,that I had went back to bed and what the fuck is he talking about....commotion?I was going to leave my own house and sleep at Amandas,I could not belive that he came all the way over...at 3:30 in the god damn morning,and the way he was acting about all the so called commotion set me off.Im so sorry that I worked all mother fucking day long,that I do not sleep good so when I can sleep its great and he of all people should know that I only sleep with pills in me.It was the very last straw for me.The whole commotion thing was it...what the hell do you think I was doing at 3:30 in the fucking morning when I just worked 10 hours and I had to go back to work the next fucking day?You tell me,since there was so much mother fucking commotion.I cant be trusted?Then I dont want you around me,you want to make it complicated by doing all that shit,then its over.Can we be friends....I hope,cuz I sure did tell him that before there was an us....EVERYTHING was fine,NOTHING went wrong.It did not matter that I went out,that I was a drunk,that I slept at peoples houses.That I wouldnt be home,that I did what I wanted to do.And now...EVERYTHING changed all because there was an us,and he got to weird about it,to possesive,and I cant handel that.So I tried to sleep...at like 7 or 8,I fell asleep on the couch,woke up to him telling me that I could have my bed back and that was it.

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Before Kyle,and after Dan,I had somewhat a relationship with 2 people,I stopped those relationship because of the way it got,to possesive,always had to be with me,always needed to know what I was doing,never really beliving me,I never had time for myself,I somewhat wasent allowed.Then came Kyle,and we felt the same fucking way,he went out,I went out,we left each other notes because we could...we didnt EXPECT that,we could do our own thing or we could do our thing,he could be him and I could be me.And now that I got myself into a realtionship thinking it would be cool,I was right when I once told Kyle that he was "it".I was also right when I told myself that I would never be in that kind of realtionship ever again.And last night when I told Josh that I would be alright with my kid and my dogs,I was unsure,and still am,yet,I am much better with them then I am trying to always please someone,trying to be someone I am not,everyone wants that stupid happy little ending,I think I have come to realize that I already had mine,and there is no new begining with that ending

11:36 p.m. - 2004-09-12

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