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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My Letter Dear Josh, Yea its one of those "dear" letters.I know I am difficult at times,I know I have probably hurt you.I know these things.Please understand me though.Please understand that I was never like this.I was never this stupid,this confused,this mean,this whatever.I was never like this....never. And because I have turned into this person,this person that I hate,it makes me hate others,no,I am not saying that I hate you,I love you dearly.Truthfully,I think Kyle gave me my heart back and he did it because he knew that I deserved it,that maybe you deserved it?Alot of my little issues has to do with Kyle,maybe you know this already maybe you dont,I am not to sure.Right now I am having a hard time dealing with trying to accept the fact that I love you.It hurts.It hurts alot.I gave my heart to somebody and now I am willing to give it to someone else.I dont want a bad heart.I dont want a heart that has been flipped flopped around,I dont want it to hurt.I dont want to feel pain.Everytime I want to tell you I love you,it cant happen.I cant say IT because IT hurts.I think about how I feel sometimes towards you and I want to pull out my hair...cause I have felt this before,and it was all okay.It was so okay.Until everything happened,and thats when I happened...thats when I turned into whatever I turned into.It might not be bad in your eyes but in my eyes,..its awful.And sometimes I get so bad that I dont care.I dont give a fuck about anything,just leave me alone kindof deal,and other times,I think and I wish that I could just describe the feeling I have,but I cant.Maybe because there is none,nothing to describe,maybe I just fucking cant.I love you,but I also love Kyle and will always,and I have a hard time loving 2 people,it hurts it confuses,it saddens,it brings happiness,and it brings tears.And I am sorry if you cant accept it all.I have yet to do it myself.But I always felt as though you could understand.And it hurts to know that maybe...just maybe you do understand yet cant accept it.There are days and alot of nights where I want to throw my damn phone against the wall,where I want to beat myself up,pull out my hair,punch my legs...hurt myself,put fricken holes in the wall because I HATE IT.I FUCKING HATE IT.I love the fact that I love again,I just hate the fact that I haveto.That I haveto because my feelings are not going away.I lost a lover,I lost a best friend,I lost an enemy,I lost a life,I lost myself,and I lost a stranger.I lost things that I talk about.I dont talk about these things because I dont want to lose you.I dont want you to ever feel as though I cant love you,because I do,or that I compare you because I cant and wont,or as though I am stuck loving you in a confusing way.And if it ever came down to it,where you SAW me hating myself and saw all the love I can give,all the love I did give,and you couldnt handel it,then I am sorry,I am so sorry,I am sorry that you cant be there for me and help me,but that is me,and although I try to change it all,its hard to do it by myself,its hard to think that people may not understand.Its hard to think that you may not understand.And I want you too.I want you to understand what kind of love I can give and that I am willing and wanting to do it again.I just need help learning.I need help getting over being scared and thinking that you may not understand.I need help being okay.I need help and I want it from you.Because I know that you feel somewhat the way I do.I just want you to understand that I do love you,I wont give up loving Kyle,and I know that you wouldnt ask that of me.I know that it will be akward for you when I tell you that i have visited him,and I know that it will be really fucked up when you see me hating everything.But I need for you to go through this stuff with me,because that is what people do when they love each other.And I know that I am not one to talk.Yea,I hang up the phone..I am the one that says fuck it.I try not to.But I get so angry with not you but myself and I just need to be alone just be stupid about everything.Neither of us has had it harder then the other.You tell me about staying up for days scraping your carpet,I dont tell you about staying up for days with no drugs,trying so hard not to hurt myself.Trying so hard not to think about it.You tell me that I dont even know how bad things were for you.I never tell you how bad things are for me.You think I do,but I dont.Not really.I was never on drugs when I felt a certain way.Thats why I do what I do now,I dont think about shit,its no different..it all hurts,its allpain,and pain hurts and hurt hurts and there are no levels in hurt because it all hurts.It all feels bad.And I have no clue what I am talking about anymore,because at this point in the morning,it dosent matter it dosent even matter that I have written the things I have.It dosent matter because you will never know,you wont ever have a chance to read this,and these are the things I dont tell you.These are the things that might just "matter" 5:55 a.m. - 2004-08-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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