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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The sun helps **And I am wrong** ** And you are never right** **And I am always wrong** **And you are always right** **Yet you understand** ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Its 5:30 am,and my toilet just REALLY overflowed,yet I am up,wondering things not really caring that all my towels are wet and in the tub,not really caring that I have no toilet to use.Not really caring about much.Just really caring about the time.And what kind of time I have left if any.And how it moves,and how it moves really fast and it sucks. **And You Are Ugly Just Like Me** Josh dosent think I have a problem.He thinks that I "just dont know"but what he dosent know is that I KNOW.Dont give me this bullshit about staying up for days,and searching for crack,its the same that I feel.Its a NEED.Its a WANT.I feel it as well.I go through my little "things"as well.I go through the whole fraking out deal.I go through the staying up for days..I go through it as well.I am no different,just like you...I as well have something I struggle with,it might not be crack,but I struggle and I freak out and I hate it and I love it and I hate me and I wish things were different yet,he of all people shoulr KNOW,he of all people should understand,because after all he felt the same things I am doing now. **This Is For YOU** **Not ME** I am trying,trying to be open,like I useto,trying to keep things"okay".. trying to be "okay"And even though you think its some sort of act,some sort of "attention getter".I was honest,I STRUGGLE,and I am sorry that I dont know how you did,but I hate the feeling i have..all the time.And it dosent help me when you make me feel as though my issues are not important.Because to me they are,and I want and need to change but I wont do it unless if ANYONE can understand my feelings,because if you can understand ME then I am willing to change.I am willing to be helped,but never think that my problems are just that,because half of them can not and will not be fixed unless if someone cares. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I get numb,and I get numb very easily and sure,I hate it,but yet thats how I am,and I want to change that.And I am sorry that if at times I cant help myself and I am sorry that some times I let it get the best of me.And I am sorry that you think it is just me and cant deal with it.I am sorry.I dont know how to feel sometimes.I am used to being numb,to just go with whatever comes my way,I am not useto to wanting to be understood.I am not use to the "caring"I am use to being fucking numb.I am useto to NOTHING anymore.Because I made myself like that.I wanted THAT.And now that I dont want THAT anymore,I get scared,I feeze,I think to much,I try to numb myself,yes,it hurts me,it kills me when I take my phone off the hook...but I am being numb..I am doing something that I once wanted,something that I have felt for a long time,something that I am scared about now..and I hate being numb,I hate being scared about being numb. 5:15 a.m. - 2004-08-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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