|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am not a blender Im letting my child do more and more things by himself..in a way,I am letting him grow up.Hes 10,why the hell should I HAVETO clean up after him and so on?Why do I haveto remind him daily to brush his teeth?I dont,he is growing up and I HAVETO let him. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I miss Josh.I miss seeing him all the time.And we have been fighting lately.And I know why,its because I knew that time was coming.That time where I HAVETO know that I love him.That time where he just wont understand what is going through my head.That time where we haveto fight,because I dont want to love him,and I dont want to love him because it HURTS.Every fucking person that I have ever loved has gone away,in some sense...they have gone away.I love people,but some people that I have loved,they all went.They all left,it dosent mean that they all died...they just went away.My grandma..the one I love and respect,shes alive,she just struggles,she struggles to live every day,and I cant and wont see her like that.She was never like that,she never struggled since I could remember,and so she left me,my uncle...jesus,he got murdered.My friends,they all left,they all are different,yet hold the same thoughts.Gave my heart to someone..they left,yet they have given back.It hurts to love,it hurts like hell.And I am so sorry that I dont want to love,I am so sorry that I do.I am sorry sorry sorry.And I would love to tell him all that,but I cant.I told him I loved him,but havent said it directly to him yet.I did it when he was sleeping,when it didnt matter,when he would have no clue,I did it because I wanted to,I did it because I felt like I needed to,and because I hadto. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I love him,I love him alot,I love him so much that it feels great,that I know I wanted this feeling back,that I knew I deserved it.That I knew I once had this feeling before.And it felt wonderful to have that feeling.That feeling that I now feel.And I want him to know it yet I am so scared.I dont want him to leave me.I dont want him to not be able to deal with me.I dont want the "love"part to change anything.I just dont want him to leave me,and I so wish he knew all this.But its me.Its me who has been causing the fighting,its me,because I am scared.I am so scared.Scared of loving. **Dont Give Up On Me** He complains.He complains about how I dont get jealous.So I got jealous.I showed him why I dont.I showed him how I can hold it ALL in,and just let it ALL out.I showed him how hurt I could make myself feel.I showed him why I dont really get"jealous".I dont think he liked it much...I know I didnt.Nope,I sure didnt like him balming me for something I dont think I did.I dont think I liked telling him why he couldnt blame me.I didnt like leaving the bar and willing to drive my ass home.I didnt like leaving the bar.I didnt like leaving him at the bar.Yet he complains that I dont get jealous,I do though,I choose just to let the feelings pass,and not bother with them,making myself numb in a way.I mean after all,you told me you loved me,why should I be jealous? 10:33 p.m. - 2004-08-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||