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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I QUIT I wrote this long ass entry about EVERYTHING and then I lost it.Overall I am done.I cant do it anymore,I cant do this anymore..I just cant do anything anymore.I am back.Back being what I haveto accept is normal.And do I care right now.Nope.And why is that?Well,barcardi is fucking great,weed is awesome right now,and my uppers,they are fucking wonderful.And this is what hasto be normal to me.This is what I HAVETO accept.And I haveto accept it because of Ty.If I didnt have him,I would be done...I would so totally be done.But because of him,the painted face HAS got to be normal.The faking HAS got to be normal.It all hasto be fucking normal for me.I haveto learn how to accept that the stupid ass all american family I want is shit,I haveto accept that this is the way it is,that I will no longer hurt.That I will haveto be alone.That I will haveto accept that this is all normal for me. *------------------------* **DISAPPEAR** ~pass out of sight~ ~cease to be~ *-------------------------* He dosent understand.He cant understand the Kyle situation,and that KILLS me.I know its such a hard time for him,god,I so feel his pain,but he dosent understand.He cant,and it hurts.Damn it,I so loved Kyle,I so still love him,and I would do anything to get him back,but thats the point,I cant bring him back..I cant rewind time,I cant make things okay...I cant do ANYTHING.I just fucking wanted to heal.Thats it.Damn it.And I was.And now I feel like a whore,like a slut,like I let Kyle down because I am with Josh and he dosent understand.He dosent understand that time has fucking passed,that I haveto go on,we had no kids together,and yes,I wouldve loved to stay in touch with Kyles mom,but I couldnt.I couldnt because I wasent healing.I couldnt because it hurt,because I knew I could never lead a life without Kyle.Because I couldnt do it anymore,I couldnt greive with her anymore.Because I had to let myself have time,and thats when it all started. **Have my pile of dirt** All because I needed my time,so I worked at the faire and I couldnt visit her everyday and cry with her everyday,so I worked 7 fucking days a week and couldnt call her everyday,so I did my own damn thing.And I poppped all my fucking pills and I smoked all my weed and I drank my bottle of barcardi and I cried to myself everynight,and it was okay.It was okay because I let myself have that time.I let myself think about him and wish things were different,because I let myself do my own thing.I let myself try to heal.I let myself belive in things I never belived in before,I let myself stop beliving in things I did belive in.And it was okay,damn it,I was so okay,and now this.Now it all starts again,she dosent have his i.d.,yet she has his wallet and his i.d. is in his wallet.She dosent have the safe.The same safe the investagator searched my house for.She has a $12,000 dollar bill that she is stuck with yet Datus paid his half and the funeral came to a total of $9,102 dollars.And yet she got his 401k and his last paychecks,yet,it all starts with Josh now.Now its time to get him into it all,because what the hell,his sister just died and that is so something you bring up at her funeral.Because that takes a load off of her and puts it onto someone else.And maybe I am being selfish,maybe mean about it all,but I am tired of hurting,I am tired of not living,I am tired of being afraid,I am tired of the dreams,I am tired of his colorless body imbedded in my head.I am tired of not being able to heal and say the things I want without feeling the saddness. **Its Enough** I cant bring him back,I cant fucking change things,but damn it,I have a child I haveto think of,and I haveto make a good life for my child.I haveto either be fake with myself or I haveto be real with myself,but I will not put my kid through anything anymore.I will not allow him to get attached to someone and then take him away.I will not hurt my child anymore then what he has already been.And I cant do that to myself anymore.I cant think things I will never get,I can not get my hopes up or allow my feelings to flow.I haveto learn what is "normal"for me again. **Popped another Pill** I useto think that I could talk to Josh about Kyle without any saddness,without any problems,and I loved it.I formed this awesome friendship with him,and then "WE"happened and it made me feel guilty at first but then these feelings came and I knew we werent together just because of Kyle and I still thought we could talk about him and understand both sides,or at lease try to.And I so understand that his emotions are flying right now,and he didnt need any of this,but now I am so trying not to think differently.I dont want to be together just because of Kyle.And I feel like that is what has happened.And I feel stupid,and I feel like a whore,and I feel so fucking dumb for trying to heal and have feelings. **Take Me So Away** She wants the fucking guns once again,fine take them,just please leave me alone,I will always feel for you,yet I cant go on with you in my life.And yes,I will feel guilty about giving up his guns,because those were his babies,and no,I dont think he wouldve wanted them to be sold to someone he didnt know,but,hey,I will fucking do that for her,and I will fucking live with that guilt forever,But at lease I can heal then.At lease I can go on without feeling guilty about having FEELINGS.I dont want to be alone forever.I hate it.I so hate sleeping alone,I hate going everywhere by myself,and I shouldnt haveto.I shouldnt haveto live my life totally alone because I have loved before.Kyle so wouldnt have wanted me to be miserable for the rest of my life.He knows that he will have me again when my time is up.He would want me to go on.He hated me crying,he hated it.I had someone in my life that was just fucking awesome and its gone,so I try to heal,I try to open up and be myself,and now I feel so empty,so stupid,so fucking dumb.So fucking stupid to feel the way I do towards Josh.Of all people,Kyles best fucking friend.And I feel so so so dumb. **I can see everything tonight** I looked through all those awful pictures.Of him just laying there,in his casket,cold,and alone and I even searched for things she may want.I actually SMELLED his stuff.Do people not understand that it fucking hurts?That even a year later I cant do it?I cant look at his things?That I just want to be left alone with all the bullshit?Even Josh asked me about the funeral,he told me where it was,and I was just like....."oh"and he told me that if I didnt want to go that he would understand but I dont belive that to much right now.And it was very hard.To see his sisters coffin just laying there...knowing that there was once this great person,being alive,just laying there dead.And I had Kyles funeral in my head,and how he just laid there,so cold,so dead.It was quite fucking hard,but I was there because I wanted to be....for Josh.Because what I feel for Josh is so unbelivable,and I hardley even cried,I stayed strong for Josh.He was there for me..its my turn,but thats not the way things are turning out,instead its not about him or his pain,its about Kyle,and Connies pain.People will always FUCKING hurt when someone goes away.But right now,Josh is not only hurting because of his sister,his mother but Kyle as well,only because Connie had to make him hurt.Connie had to make him remember that he should always hurt for Kyle,and damn it,I so know that Kyle wouldnt have wanted it like that. I so knew Kyle,he would be so mad at his mom for doing what she has said and done.He wouldve rollled his eyes and told me that he dosent understand.I am so sorry that she hurts,I am so fucking sorry that she didnt get the daughter in law she wanted.I am so sorry that she lost him,but for me,I am 27 years old,I have a life I would like to live and I need to live it.I cant go on the way I have been or the way I am right now.I love Kyle,he so opened my eyes onto so many things,he so made me want to live,He so wanted things.He knew how unstable his mother was,he made fun out of her all the time,he told me so many stories about her.Yes,he loved her,yes,he knew she did the best,he knew she did what she could,but he still told me things.And then her family starts telling me to be careful,and I start to "notice"things and thats when it started to go bad. **This Is Gonna Be Hard** I havent let go entirley.I cant.No matter what,I cant seem to just say that I will never think about him again,or that the dreams will stop,or that I wont shed a tear for him,Or that I will never think of "what couldve been"But I think I have learned how to move on.I have met Josh's family and I love them.I want to have them a part of me.I get along with all of them,and it sucks because jesus,I love his mother...she is fucking better then my own,and I so couldve formed a great realtionship with his sister,and his brother is awesome,his moms boyfriend is great and the reat of his family is just so ....close.And I want that.I want that feeling.I want these feelings I have,but I do belive I may haveto give them up.So I put them on hold.I pretend that they are just my imagination and I sit here like I did months ago,getting so fucked up to the point where I just dont fucking care,and I dont care if I am mean,I dont care if I just dont care,I sit here knowing that I will haveto get more alcohol,more smokes,knowing that I will haveto walk to get this shit,but it will be okay,I will once again,hold my head up high like I have no fucking clue.Like I just dont fucking care.Cause right now,I not only lost my man,but I also lost the person I thought could be that man I once had and wanted.I lost my best friend today,I lost someone,the only person that I so wanted to be close to.The only person I had feelings for since Kyle.The only person I trusted since Kyle.Its the same fucking sad secho everyday.
5:37 p.m. - 2004-07-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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