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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Listen and Think Sometimes I get really stoned and I think about things,such as..Am I capable of REALLY taking care of my child?How could a person who wishes they could live in the bedroom,take care of a child?Sometimes I lay in bed until 2 or 3 on Sundays,its my only day off and I hardley move.And I feel guilty.Heres my kid totally awake and I just stay in bed and pretty much have him take care of himself. ** Take It off Of Me**
I feel so "unliving"these days.I am disappointed in myself that I have gained so much weight,I am sick of WANTING to lay in bed all day and worry about nothing.I am sick of working my awful job that I think I love so much.I am sick of being poor.I am just sick of me.And it has nothing to do with Josh,for once I can actual belive that it is all about me.It all does have EVERYTHING to do with me.I can really say that I hate myself,I dont look in the mirror unless I really haveto.I am so sick and tired of tossing and turning at night and feeling tired.I dont understand how I can be happy yet hate myself.I am not understanding why I cant be 100%happy instead of just 50.Theres just no reason for it. **Put My Guns To The Ground** After today I have noticed that it still is so easy for Dan.He is still the same asshole.And I have given him chances,I have done things for his damn family.I belive that Dans wife mightve left him....again.He tells me that he dosent want Ty until MAYBE tomorrow or MAYBE saturday,he isnt sure.He hates his god damn life,his fuses keep blowing in his house,Mary is at her sisters house,and its all bullshit.So I ask him if it will be tomorrow or saturday...just so I know,so I can set something up,because I work and just need to know.But he dosent know.Maybe he will call me at work or maybe he will call me on Saturday at work.Or maybe he just wont call and I will have no fucking clue what the hell to do.And its funny how sometimes he can "work"with me,and be fucking normal and then there are these times,when he goes on these rampages where everybody is out for Dan and bla,bla,bla.Where you cant even say hi to him without thinking that he is going to flip out.And its even funnier that I still haveto sit here and take most of it.And the greatest part of it all?Is that I can sit back and shake my head at him.I dont mind having my kid at all.I love having him,my life changed dramatically when Dan got him more.He is not hurting anyone but himself.I could care less if I ever had to talk to him ever again,I care that Tyler wouldnt see his sister,but he wouldnt care if he only saw his dad once in a while.He hates going over there,and he tells me how Mary tells him that he cant talk to his dad cuz he is in a bad mood,how Mary talks shit about stupid things all the time.He isnt happy there,and Dan really cant get useto having him and all the other kids around.Dan cant get useto his life.He cant belive that that is his life.I cant say that I adore my life or even love it,and I may hate myself but life in general is alright.I will never be the same person I was a 10 years ago,5 years ago or even a year ago.But I can adjust to it all.I can accept it all.And I can learn how to love it.I wont go and live the only one I have on some sort of ramage most of the time. 6:20 p.m. - 2004-07-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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