|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Think what I say ** My Words Are Cold** I am getting fat,and because the period is right around the corner,I am feeling fatter then I really am.The Faire called me today and wanted me back there.I thought and thought about it.And I am still unsure.I mean last year...it was okay to work myself to death...I needed it.Last year I needed the whole spiritual deal,the whole "good"feeling.Last year I hadto keep myself busy.Do I really need that this year?Do I really need to work 7 days a week?Do I need to be around all this "healing"shit?And if I did work there...would it make me feel better or worse?Maybe I liked it so much last year cuz I needed everything it had to offer me...and all of it did help me.Last year I needed it...I just dont think that this year I need it so bad. **Im better off this way** And I think that if I dont do it...I will feel guilty.Only because last year I needed it,and now....I dont?Why not?Do I not NEED it anymore?I dont know if it would mean anything if I did do it or if I didnt do it.And I am somewhat afraid to find out.That place was my healing place last year.I worked there because it helped me,and I got away from the "real"world,I could breath when I was there..i didnt cry when I was there.THERE didnt remind me of anything,it helped me.It made me grow,it made me realize things.And maybe I do need that now....but in a different way.Now maybe its accepting and not needing to be helped. **Are We The Same** I dont know if that is what I am going through...the whole accepting...letting go.I never thought that I would.I still love him,I still hurt from it,I still think of him and smile...so is that the same as letting go?Will I always do it?When Josh told me he loved me...that was when something clicked.That is when I sat there and thought about EVERYTHING.I thought about how I useto be..Ihow I was...I am.I thought about it all,and even thought about how I did question maybe loving him,and how it was all different now. **All the things you hide** And its different because now..I have a reason.I have a reason not to be so stupid all the time,I have a reason to start thinking about shit..I have a reason to feel better.I have a reason to care.ALl because someone told me that they loved me.Out of the blue.All because he was worried about me and I asked him why. **I Surrender** Heres this guy,who was best friends with Kyle,who went through alot with Kyle.Heres this guy that gave up his life for "Kyles girl",here is a guy that has been there for me through so much shit.Here is a guy that has brought me happiness,that always brought me something to look forward to.Here is this guy that I question about my feelingsto.Here is a guy who some nights I wanted to tell him that I loved him.Here is a guy that i wished would call me just so I could tell him that.Here is a guy that WANTS to look out for me.Who still talks about Kyle with no holding back.Here is a guy that hurts just as I do,that lost something as great as I did.Here is a guy that tells me he loves me.Here is this guy that tells me that and I belive him.Here is this guy that hasent said it since because he feels stupid.Here is a guy that feels what I do and I feel what he does. **I am more then just hanging out** And I know we both feel weird at times because of Kyle.And in a way neither of us should.We should be 'happy"that it turned out like this.That Kyle would be so happy that we both have feelings like we do.He should be happy because he told me that Josh was a good guy,and I know that he would be happy with the both of us.I sometimes look at it from Kyles view,if he was still here.And of course he wouldnt have been "jolly happy....YEA"kindof thing,I mean really,it wouldnt have happened.I was going to spend the rest of my life with Kyle regardless.But I think because of what has happened,and because he loved both of us...I think he would be okay with it.Sometimes I think that he is sitting here watching us,smiling.And sometimes when I am alone..I see him being mad...but only because he is not here,and when I try to focus better...I see him smiling.I think he is only mad because he can not be here,he isnt the one that is bringing me these feelings all the time,that brings me happiness.But I think he is smiling because Josh is the one that is doing all that. **Afraid To Fail** I have been thinking to much lately...once again.About the whole future deal and shit.Josh said something about al my fairie shit the other night,and at first I told him that I wouldnt get rid of it...but then I looked around,and noticed how much shit I do have.Its everywhere..I have posters and stickers and pictures and whatever...everywhere.Here i am 27 years old and I have fucking posters up in my room,so then I changed my mind and told him that I would get rid of some of it....just not all of it.And I couldnt..I mean my house is totally me.I feel comfy knowing that I am not putting shit up on walls or whatever just to make a different impression of myself....or to have a so called nice house.I have a nice house...I love the way I have things.....just wish it was bigger...if it was bigger...it would be nicer.And I would frame half the shit on my walls....just to make it look nicer...and if it was bigger...it really wouldnt seem like I have ALL this shit.But I didnt tell him all that,instead I just told him that I would pack away most of it.I wouldnt want a house that I didnt enjoy...that I have nothing in it to relate to me.That a picture of a house in the woods or something would not be okay with me.So then I thought about it all,and thought that if we ever did live together...what is so wrong with putting 2 and 2 together and just going with it?Fairies and Sailships,if you put them together,would they really look that bad?I even thought about doing themes things with it all.You get a picture of a sailboat in a storm...there ya go...my "dark"pictures could go around it and it would GO TOGETHER.He said something about compramising,wouldnt that be it?The pictures that dont go..I will put away.What other "peaceful"view could you have?You have this sailboat that sails away into the sunset and then you have pictures of nice "golden"colored fairies around it?I could stare at pictures like that all day long.Maybe you tend to learn how to love what other people love,and once again you put 2 and 2 together and you love that.I think it makes sense. 11:36 p.m. - 2004-06-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||