|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A bit of everything Josh called to aploigize this morning,I told him that I understood why he would be mad towards me,and that I was just going to wait to see if he called me.I went an got checked....I wont no anything for a day or two but I am not worried about it.The lady told me that if I never had anything"abnormal"down there then I shouldnt worry,that I would KNOW if I had something....especially with my sexual history.I slept like shit last night because of all this.I mean...its fucking scary.I have always taken care of myself,I have always made sure that I just didnt "fuck"people.Well maybe not always but for the last couple years.My last fling was Rocky and that wasent that big of a deal,just friends who slept together...other then that,when I was 15,so I am confused about all this.I am not understanding any of it.And I know he isnt either.And I do understand why he is weird about it all.I mean he was there,I was here.He couldve did anything as well,but do I think that?No,does he think that of me...well yea,and I even understand that.I mean,I am an open minded person,and when I drink,yea,I can get stupid....but not that stupid.I dont know,I dont know anything anymore,I am really confused right now and wish that things would just be normal for a long period of time instead of always getting fucked up.On top of all this,they found more shit that needs to be burned off.Or so they think.Do you know how fucking painful that is?Its something thatI dont want to do yet haveto do.So,they tested me for everything...once again,when they just did this at my exam a couple months ago.Yet this time,they will do the whole deal...pregnancy test and all and I felt dumb being there.They know my history,they know the last time I had sex and all,and everytime I have an exam done I get tested,because its free so why not?And a couple times ago they even questioned me on why I wanted the tests done if I wasent having sex,and I told them I just wanted to be safe. **Thanks for watching me fall** I brought Ty into work with me today,where a guy gave him 20 bucks and left me 23 bucks,he even offered me a job,where I could make good money....great money,yet its a ways away.I have yet to think about it all.I dont know if I really would want to work with this guy...he is nice,yet he gives away his money and thats what I dont like.It makes me think that he wants to be some sort of sugar daddy,and I dont need or want that shit. **Broken Inside** I am going to see Kyle on Saturday.I dont have Ty,I dont have plans yet,and I need to go see him.And I haveto do it by myself.I once brought Ty with me,and I just couldnt stay there.I couldnt be myself.I went once with Connie and that was even worse.I cant do things like that with someone.I cant sit there and stare at what was my life with someone beside me.Josh has been there,he asked me if I saw his headstone and I told him that I did.We talk about Kyle often and it makes me feel good to be able to just say those "taboo"things.Everyone is afraid to bring him up with me,everyone is scared to say his name around me,and I wish they wouldnt do that shit.It makes things worse.Josh just says things to me about him and I like that.And I hope that Josh understands stuff about Kyle.I think he does,I am pretty sure that he does,I just need that.I need that from Josh,and so far I have gotten that,but things change,sometimes for the wrose sometimes for the better,usually its for the worst for me though. 2:25 p.m. - 2004-06-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||