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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- All we know is what we are Tonight shall be fun,Im already half drunk and its not even 5 yet...oh joy. I have been thinking about my walks home from joeys and how fun they have become,how I mess with her..and she has no clue.And I wish that it never ends.I wish that I can forever be that bitch.That bitch that messes with things.That bitch that wont allow someone to get away with making people want to do certain things.That bitch who has the best of all times on her walks home freom the bar.God,how I hope it never ends.If it would ever end..it would mean that its over.That the fun had to stop for some reason,and although my blood boils and my breathing is so much heavier then normal when I walk past that house,that awful house,I feel good,I feel great.And I feel this way because I have enough nerve to walk past that house,taking the chance to get"caught",I have enough nerve to do the things I do,I have enough nerve because I deserve to do the things I do,I deserve to have the hatred I have.I deserve to be a bitch.
I have decided that not eating would be the best for me nowadays.I am done.I have been losing my appeitite for a while now,only eating a small meal once a day,but today i have decided that I am done eating for at lease a couple days,just so I can lose those stupid 6 pounds that are not coming off.And I am going to work hard at it.At not eating.I am going to drive myself insane by trying not to eat,and just drinking.Drink and sleep,Sleep and Drink.Perfect life if you ask me.I useto do it all the time....to much really.But I never worried about things back then.I never had to think as much.I never thought about anything.I never thought about anything but drinking.And when I couldnt drink,I popped the wonderful pill.And I was okay.I was okay because all I did was sleep,drink and pop pills.And if thats what i haveto do in order not to eat,then so be it,after all,when I was doing it, I was great....wasent I? Its funny how people at work have been noticing how unhappy I am...how anti-social I am all of a sudden.How I just dont give a shit.Its funny how no one really talks to me anymore because of the way I am.Its funny how after 4 years...I am just there.I am not"part"of them.And its even more laughable that I dont give a fuck what they think.Or what they say.But what really gets to me...what really bugs me,is that for 4 years,I have done nothing but listen to THEM.Listen to their shit,for 4 years I have done nothing but be by their side,and now,all of a sudden I dont want to be,and where are they?THEY are with other people,with someone who will listen to their shit for years,someone who enjoys listening to all the gossip,all the bullshit,and for the first time in 4 years...I can honestly say,that i am not that someone,and I will never be that SOMEONE again.I am done.I am done with other peoples bullshit including mine. **Polly Wants A Cracker** I do not need acceptance from anyone but myself,and I cant even give myself that.So why bother with having other peoples shit on my mind?If I keep others problems in my head then how the hell can I ever get through my own?I useto be this person,this fucking shadow in the background all the time...waiting.Waiting for someone to come to me and say"oh,this and that happen..I dont know what to do"and for a while there I felt okay being that person,that shadow,I felt okay with people coming to me and trusting me,but when you trust a person and they think nothing of telling someone,then how can you feel okay that that person trusted you when you cant even trust them?I felt okay with Amanda for a looooong time,and now,well,I dont know if its because she has turned into a different person,or because I hav,but either way,I dont trust her anymore.I trust Mo,and Krista more then her and thats sad.Its sad because I know to much about her,but yet,I cant trust her...it really dosent make sense. "Somethings In The Way"" I want a GOOD friend.I want a friend that will call me,a friend that wont get mad at me,a friend that I can trust,a friend that likes to have me come over,a friend that is similar to myself.Just someone that I know will care about me,and the things I think about,someone I can cry with,someone I can be myself with.And I hate it,I so hate it that there is no one right now.I tell people that I am fine by myself,but am I really?No.Im far from it.Jesus,I feel like I should be on a talk show.Or a personal ad...like "Friends To Find"or something. And I dont understand because I am very talkative,and I am honest and you could trust me but yet...I have no friends.And why is that...because I am not as sociable as I think I am.I dont answer my phone,I dont call anyone.I just sit and I sit by myself.And I bitch about having no friends...even though in a way...its all my choice. **All Apologies**
4:42 p.m. - 2004-05-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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