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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- looking at fears **Nothing I know changes** I have been having a hard time looking back.Looking back on the past year.I have trouble reading this,reading my past thoughts and remembering just where I was at that point in time.I sometimes act as though things never happened or as though certain things never even exsited,and even though I try to block those certain things out...once in a while they pop up in my head,and it bothers me because I dont want to look back.I dont want to remember how I felt or what I did,or whatever.I feel somewhat afraid to think back to certain times,I feel afraid to read my past thoughts and feelings,and I am only afraid because I know that I will look back forever,and remember things,and maybe fall again?Maybe go back on the medicine that never really helps,maybe go back being a shadow,go back being lonely and secretive,and although I am not sure if that would happen,I am afraid that I am not strong enough to go through all that again,I am afraid to look back,because maybe if I did,maybe I wouldnt be able to come back,maybe I would be stuck,stuck looking back on things ,wishing things,and I am terrified that that would happen. 9:38 p.m. - 2004-03-31 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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