|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- pop a \"josh\"(you'll feel better) **Its Not Just Another Diet** I have been thinking of going back on the meds...yea,I know how stupid it is,I know that those pills will just lead to other pills and so on,but I need something.These past few days with Josh have been awesome,it feels great but I also havent taken a pill since being with him,and I cant seem to stay still knowing that I have nothing in my system,no "medicine"at all.And I think I make him nervous,I make him nervous because I cant sit still,I cant sit still because I am somewhat freaking out,im freaking out because I have no pills,and I know that I need them,I need them so I can sit still,sit still and enjoy them. **What I really am** I made yet another promise to myself that I would start doing sit ups or something,to start a new diet ,so to speak.A new diet of sit ups and pills,I feel it starting,the whole "eating"thing I feel myself working almost every hour I have,leaving no time for myself,leaving me just enough time to come home,do some sit ups,be proud that I just worked my ass off,and go to bed.And wake up the next morning only to do it all over again,leaving me no time to eat,leaving me just enough time to do those damn situps and go to bed. And maybe on those nights that I do get home early enough to eat,to do those sit ups,maybe I will just take the dogs for a walk,instead of the sit ups,and then by the time I just got done walking them,it will be bed time,because I will be to proud to do anything else. **This feeling**
I have had such a great time with Josh that it will suck when he goes again.I really dont think he wants to come back.I think he would perfer to live in Long Beach,and I really dont think that he is coming back for me,and me only,I think there are alot of other reasons,he said something to me about wanting to live there,wanting not to really come back,something about me moving there.Certain things he said just made me belive that he really dosent want to be back here....living. And I just cant understand why he dosent stay if coming back here would get him so confused and stressed.Of course I would love for him to come back,but I also want him happy.If California makes him happy,then why not just stay and be happy? **some things you see to late** I dont know what would happen to US if he didnt come back.I dont want to do what we are doing anymore.After being with him and spending time with him,I want him here,I want him to be able to make me happy,but then again,if not coming bak makes HIM happy,then I will deal with it,but for how long then?I mean,I want things,I want a family and I want to live with someone,I want to have someone in my life,I want to be able to KNOW that these things will come.I want to ask him why he is coming back,but I think I may be afraid of the answer,or afraid of losing him?I dont know,maybe I should just see what happens instead of worring about things 11:58 p.m. - 2004-03-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||